Rollercoaster... of love.

My chart is way wicked this month. I have pretty much no idea WTF is going on with it. I don't even know if I O'd this month, which would not be cool. Can that happen even? I hate my doctor. The temps are up, the temps are down, there is no consistancy whatsoever. Bah!

I feel as though I'm kind of just going through the motions of temping this month. I was wondering at what point my spirit would break, and I would lose that little bit of optimism that's been keeping me afloat. Well, it was this month. Don't get me wrong. I'm still in this 110%, I want to have a baby, I want to get PG, and I want it now. But I think I'm coming to the realization that it's not going to happen now. It's going to happen when it happens, and there's nothing else I can do about it. I'm looking a little online, and not finding any helpful info about if Clomid can work for 3 months and then not work. I am, however, finding quite a lot of sites that say if it doesn't work in 3 months, it's not going to work. Then, I find success stories that have the women on cycle 4 or 5 with Clomid. See...there's so much information out there and I wish someone could filter out the parts that aren't true. That the people who are misinformed would just not post on the internet.

Back to saying that I'm just going through the motions. I'm still temping, but I don't sit and stare at my chart for hidden clues anymore. I enter the info, look at the chart, and I'm on my way. Maybe it's because this month, there's no hidden clues that I can find. There's nothing but up and down, up and down. The OPK's have all been negative. So unless I O'd on the one day I forgot or the one day that I was at work from 9-9 and couldn't test, then I either haven't O'd or these tests suck. Take your pick, because I sure as hell don't know. Because of the Clomid, I have an idea about when I'm supposed to O, so that's helps with timing sex. But it's been different this month. I don't know if it's because I haven't been so preoccupied with with TTC and H isn't feeling so pressured, but we seriously cannot keep our hands off each other. Well, mainly I can't keep my hands off him.

For the past 3 months, I have been trying to tell myself that I had no sex drive after O; that I was so "sexed out" from all the TTC sex, I didn't want to have sex just to have sex. Well, this month has proven that wrong. Because I can not believe that there is still an O coming this month. I don't know what could have possibly delayed it this long (::runs off to google in another window about delayed O::). I can't find anything. I'll have to consult with my fastly becoming well-worn copy of TCOYF.

Some people go on a TTC break when they've reached their breaking point. They stop temping and don't time sex. I don't really feel like I'm on a mental TTC break. I am still TTC. I feel like I'm on an "over-analyzing" break. I just slowed down and paid attention to only the things that were blatently obvious. I didn't try to make something into something that it wasn't. And I'm not going to. This month anyway.

I think it's really helping that I'm distracting myself. Not with the intention of distracting myself, but that's just how it's happening. I have found a wonderful new series of books that I'm reading. And anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessive. I find something I like, and I can't stop. I do it all the way. Like TTC, like reading (I read a novel and a half on Monday), like Pirates, like anything. I take off running with things and it takes me quite a while to slow down. And I don't want to slow down. I like the speed. I do. TTC was the only thing that I started obsessing about that was not healthy for me. I couldn't stand all the waiting. I still can't, but like I said, I've slowed down. It's the way it is.

I'm now going to force myself to do the dishes before I start reading again!