Operation: Babywatch

My Birth Plan

2009-04-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

So, two weeks ago at my doctors appointment, amid discussions of ribs and pediatricians, I asked him about a birth plan. I asked if it was THAT important to have one, all typed out and copied 27 times, or if I should just have an idea of what I wanted. He tried not to laugh and said that as long as I had a general idea of what I wanted, we could discuss that ahead of time and go from there. He said if it made me feel better that I could write it down, but it wasn't essential.

His mischievous smile made me curious, so I asked him why. He started talking about these women who came in with six page manuals about how to deliver their child, and how that wasn't the most practical thing out there. Then he kind of backtracked, perhaps scared that I was one of those women. He asked if I had thought about it at all, and if I had a lot of provisions that I wanted to include. I laughed and said that no, my birth plan was to have a baby.

He was relieved. He said that that was the best plan, and that most of the longer birth plans included things like 'as few interventions as possible', 'as few checks as possible', etc... and that those types of things were pretty much common knowledge, at least among the doctors he worked with. So I teased him and told him that whatever, he loved waiting until a patient fell asleep and then going in to bug them. He laughed.

He also told me, while discussing something else, that he loved working with pregnant women because we're so much fun. Yeah...uh huh. We're chubby and hormonal, more than likely hungry and sleep-deprived. We're just a barrel of laughs. Uh-huh. Note the sarcasm there, doc.

Anyways, upon thinking about it, here is my modified birth plan so far:

Lynette's Birth Plan

-Have a baby

-In the event of a c-section, allow H to stay with the baby if he is taken out of the room for any reason. No visitors are to see the baby until after I have recovered and spent time with my baby

-Please do not give my baby a pacifier

And that's about it. The rest of the stuff are things that I have decided on, but I feel like I will have already discussed them with my doctor. I am going to have an epidural, etc. I pretty much trust my doctors experience and instincts to do what's best for me and for the baby. I guess my theory on birth plans is that I am not a doctor, and he is. He will do what is necessary and no more. If he says a c-section is needed, then it's needed.

We can handle whatever happens. True story.

Trust Your Instincts....

2009-04-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

So, about a week ago, I went in for my 28 (!) week appointment. After the usual song and dance, my doctor took some time to examine my ribs. And by examine, I mean push and prod at them. Ow! But...the good news is...

My rib pain is NOT normal!

Dr. diagnosed me with costochondritis, which is inflammation of the cartilidge around the ribs. It is caused by all the pressure in there and possibly the positioning of the uterus and the baby. Now why is this good news? Because now I know, in my head, that this pain is not how pregnancy is supposed to feel. I am not being a wuss or a sissy, I am suffering a complication.

Now for the bad news... So how do you heal costochondritis? Well, when you're pregnant, you don't. Regular Tylenol doesn't do anything for the pain, so there's nothing I can take for the inflammation. The only thing that he was able to do was prescribe me Vicodin for the pain. And before you question my doctor's judgement, let me ask where you got your medical degree from. I am sick of people saying, "Is he crazy?", "You need a new doctor!", "No way! You can't take that!", blah blah blah...

He is a doctor. He knows what he's doing. Now, I wasn't really all that sure about it and I told him that I didn't think I would take Vicodin while pregnant. I personally don't feel comfortable with it, but that's my decision. When I researched it online, everything was very on the fence about the benefits and dangers of Vicodin while pregnant. So I stand by my original statement that I don't think I'll take it. But I have it just in case, I guess.

So... where does that leave me? In pain, but feeling relieved about it. I know what it is, I know it's not normal, I know that it will go away (doc said probably a couple weeks to a couple months after the baby is born), I know that it's not anything that could harm the baby, etc etc etc...

Other than that, nothing big to report.

Let the whining commence.

2009-03-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Just haven't felt like blogging. Haven't felt like moving. Haven't felt like doing anything.

Day: 4,327. Alright, really day 196.
Days Left: 84
Feeling: Like a beached whale. I've felt that way for at least three weeks, and I'm not even that big yet. I'm just getting into the third trimester. I am pretty sure that there is something wrong with one or two ribs, but no one believes me.
Mood: Ah, I'd say a 7 out of 10 lately. I've been very whiney lately, partly because of my ribs hurting and just feeling icky in general, and partly because I've been very lonely. My H is out getting his last kicks in before the baby (which I totally support... I have never been one of those wives that won't let my husband out of the house), but for some reason, I really just want him around. It's an odd feeling for me, because I am normally fine with being alone, I don't mind it at all, but I just can't get enough of him lately. Even when he's irritating me.
Recent Cravings: I might cut someone for a ham sandwich. I think that's just because it's that thing that I can't have though... :::drool:::
Just Noticed: I'm hungry, but nervous to eat. Morning sickness has been rearing it's ugly head the last few days. Apparently, it's common for it to come back. Sweet. Just add it to the list.

So, in all honesty, I'm pretty much over being pregnant. I feel really horrible saying that, but it's true. I know how lucky I am (I worked for this!) and I know that I wanted it, but have just had enough. Never in my life have I been more uncomfortable, clothes are just unflattering and gross looking, and I still have no "glow". I'm not saying this is enough to make me not want to do it again; I'm sure that I'll forget all about this when I have my child in my arms, but man, it's just not all it's cracked up to be.

And I know that I've been fairly lucky. I haven't had to go to the hospital for anything, I didn't miscarry my child, everything is progressing normally, I haven't had any huge huge freakouts or horrific side effects... looking at all that, I'd say a busted rib isn't really that bad.

Alright, whining over.

Dear Sweet, Wonderful, Miracle child inside of me,

2009-02-18T12:52:00.000-08:00

PLEASE REMOVE YOUR FOOT/HAND/BUTT/HEAD FROM MY RIBS!

K, thanks.

Day: 162
Days Left: 118
Feeling: Besides for the body part lodged in my upper ribs, I'm doing okay. I've had really severe back pain the past few weeks, which I am going to talk to my doc about next Tuesday at my 24 week appointment.
Mood: Pretty good. I've been a little emotional at times, but hey, that's pregnancy for you.
Recent Cravings: None really. They finally got Shamrock Shakes at McD's, so that made me a happy camper last week. My husband, however, is craving Caramello's, and orange Fanta.
Just Noticed: I have to be allergic to something in this house. I cannot stop sneezing the past three days (like 27 sneezes in a row), but it only happens when I'm at home.

I finally kicked Will out of the nursery this past weekend. We had to order our dresser, so that gave him a little time, but we were able to pick it up last Saturday. Which meant his "office" was moving down to the basement, whether he was ready or not. Surprisingly, he didn't argue much. Although a little pouting was necessary to get him to move the desk. Anyways, we moved it all downstairs and now we have a nursery! I will try to post pictures later if I remember, but it is far from finished. But it's a start...the furniture is in and arranged, the bookshelf is bought and put together, the shelf is up...

I decided to try my hand at some artwork because I thought the wall art that matched our nursery set was cheap looking and too small for the wall I wanted it on. I decided that I was going to sketch out and color some of the designs from the bedding set. I got one almost done, but I'll have to wait until I get the set to do the second one. I can't tell the colors well enough on the computer screen. So that's one project in the works.

I keep thinking that I'm sick of being PG, but really, I'm not. For the most part, I like it. Sure, it's got pains and aches and I can no longer get out of a chair in a lady-like fashion, but hey, in the end, I get a kid. Sounds like a fair trade. I think more than anything, I am sick (to death) of cold weather. I can't wait for it to get hot outside! I am pretty sure that I suffer from seasonal depression on a normal basis, and I have found that tanning once a week really helps my emotional state. But, I am not going to be one of those pregnant nutters that squashes her giant belly into a tanning bed, so I'm suffering through it without the help of artificial sunlight.

In an attempt to prepare for summer, I bought some CUTE stuff from Old Navy yesterday. Sidebar here. Let's talk about Old Navy for a second, because as much as I love them, they bother me. I don't care what people say, I've had nothing but good stuff from that store. Their clothes do not fall apart on me, and they are great for casual pieces. But, it irritates me that the ON closest to me doesn't have a maternity section. At all. Not even one rack. And the one that's furthest away has the most pitiful maternity section I've ever seen. They have about a nine foot area devoted to pregnant women, and most of those items are plus size garments masquerading as maternity gear. I just find that upsetting. Alright. Step down. Sidebar over. Old Navy.com, however, has some super cute stuff. So I did a naughty thing (I never order clothes online), and bought a few shirts and (double naughty) a pair of shoes yesterday. They are summery and make me happy.

Next week, I have my 24 week appointment on Tuesday. I am preparing my list of questions and concerns tonight. Usually I don't make a list, but this time I'm going to make my doctor work for his money.

23 w 1 d

Just because I am pregnant does not mean my personal space no longer exists...

2009-02-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

Or does it?

Just a couple weeks ago, when asked if anyone had touched my stomach yet, I said that "No, I'm pretty sure I give off a 'don't touch me' vibe." Mind you, there had been a little touching. One friend in particular, which honestly didn't bother me because a) she asked first and b) she has always been a touchy-feely person. No biggie.

Last week, however, I got poked. Yes, you read right. POKED. Like make a fist, extend pointed finger, jab into nearest pregnant persons stomach type of poke. And it was by a male customer at work. Mind you that he is a regular and knows my snippy demeanor, so I did not feel the need to regulate my response because I was at work. Here's how it went...

Customer: "Hey Lynette, how's the little guy doing? ::POKE TUMMY::

Me: Gives him very strange look. "Oh, he's fine (BEGIN TO POKE HIM BACK IN SHOULDERS)...and how are you?" ::CONTINUE TO POKE::

Customer: Pulls back and looks at me, confused.

Me: ::STILL POKING:: "What, you don't like to be poked? Neither do we!" ::MAKE DRAMATIC EXIT FROM CONVERSATION::

This week, three people have felt the insatiable need, the magnetism if you will, of THE TUMMY. Three people, at work, all of whom I kind of know. People I wouldn't even classify as acquaintances. UGH...you people drive me to drink. And since that is out of the question... I feel the need to instead, purchase one of these fine items:

UGH!

You drive me crazy...

2009-02-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

BAH!

So, for anyone reading who doesn't actually already know this, I do not get along with my parents. We have a very rocky relationship. I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad, and my mom was an unfortunate bystander in that situation. Now that I am PG and she is going to be a grandma (for the first time), she is trying to "be my mom", if you know what I mean.

Well, she's driving me nuts! I am trying to be nice and let her have her grandma fun, but really? Is it necessary to IM my husband and ask him to have me call her (uh...does your phone not dial?), to talk about nothing. Or to discuss the nursery closet and the 4,327 ways that I could organize it. I know you have your ideas, but you also know that I am going to do it how I want, no matter what you say. Please stop calling me to find out when we can go yarn shopping because you want to make the baby a blanket. That's nice of you, but I already told you I want navy with white trim. Navy is not really something that you can get wrong. It's navy.

And is it necessary for you to send me an email EVERY time I update my registry? I feel like I hit the 'save' button and my email is blinking with "Lynette- do you really think you need that? I asked around and so-and-so said they never used it. You won't either. I think you should take it off." or "Why don't you have this on your registry? You need this... add this, but only if you take this off..." Really, lady, it's a registry. It's not the finalized version of everything that my child will ever have.

Ok, here comes the really snotty part. My mom is planning one of my showers, which I think is super generous of her. But, I do have a couple ideas or things that I would really like to avoid, which she is totally blowing off. And she does have some wonderful ideas and things, but I would almost rather not know them all. Keep a few cats in the bag. I feel like this "reconnecting" she's attempting is going to have bad consequences. I feel like I am going to feel smothered again and pull back, which is partly what led to us having a bad relationship to begin with.

I think I need to just take a step back, take a deep breath, and hold my ground. Or go insane.

"You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh that's mine, not yours. But, you know, because you're family you gotta share."

2009-02-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

So, somehow Blogger locked me out of my account for a week or so. Strange. Now it works fine.

I have lots of updating to do, so let's just get right to it!

We had our big ultrasound and...

It's a boy!!!

H and I are both super excited. It feels so much more real now that we know what's in there. The baby is no longer an "it". He is a he.

Before I post anything else, I need to post my pictures. Otherwise, Meghan is going to spontaneously combust.

17 weeks:

18 Weeks:

19 Weeks:

I have not put my 20 or 21 week picture on the computer yet. And now I need food before I update any more!

Must blog about H being super today.

2009-01-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

Since usually I feel like I am complaining about something stupid he's done...let's share the story of how H saved the day today!

So last night, I get home from work and basically feel like someone has smacked me in the head with a crowbar or something. My sinuses are all stuffed up, my nose is running, but yet congested, my head hurts, my eyes are about to pop out of my head, blah blah blah. I suffer through, thinking it was just because I was tired...a good nights sleep should do the trick.

HA! I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I sissed out when H got home from bowling and started crying about how miserable I felt. I went to bed, but I was up every 15 minutes blowing my nose. I couldn't sleep on my left side because my left nostril would run. I couldn't sleep on my back because I'm not really supposed to and I could feel the phlegm (sorry...gross, I know) running down the back of my throat. I couldn't lay on my right side because my right nostril would close up and then my left nostril would run.

This is a long description of my ailments. But I digress...I didn't sleep well.

I woke up early, but did not want to get up. I could feel the throbbing in my head. But I did get up. I got ready for work and left early, hoping to beat traffic and have time to stop at the store and pick up some Sudafed. I grabbed my Approved Medications list on my way out the door. Traffic was light. I called work just to let them know I might be there a couple minutes late, that I had to stop to get medicine or I just might die. No problem, they say.

So I get to the store at about 7:40. I pick up donuts for my co-workers like they requested. I stop to pick up a couple Cadbury Eggs. Alright...four. Then I head over to the pharmacy section. I get some Chap-stick because my lips are drier than the Sahara. I head to the Cold/Allergy section. I pull out my trusty list to make sure I get the right meds. Damn those stupid meth-makers! Regular Sudafed is the only kind of Sudafed that requires me to pick up the little card and give it to the pharmacist. No big deal...except for that...the pharmacy is not open yet. There are people in there getting ready to open up. I see a store worker, and asked if there was any way I could get this medicine. "Sure, pharmacy's that way." Uh...thanks, traffic cop. I know where it is. Can they get me this? They aren't open yet. "Oh, well, I think they open at 8." Once again, thanks for the ephipany. I have to be to work at 8. He asks someone else. They decide that no, they can't help me and I have to wait until 8 for my medicine. Well damn me for inheriting my father's temper. I throw a small fit. I tell them that I have to go to work, and I can't take anything else. I even showed them my list. I even played the whole "I'm pregnant" card, which is not like me.

No dice. They didn't care. Now, at this point, it's about 10 to 8. I already called work and told them I might be late. It wouldn't be a big deal to just wait. Or would it? I decide that this is injustice at it's finest. I left. I refuse to sit and wait for a place to say it is now OK for me to be sick and need medications. Both nostrils are working properly, I think it will be ok. I go to work.

An hour later, I realize that I am going to die. Yeah, not really, but I am in rough shape. I call my husband to see if there's any way he could drop off some medicine. No, he's about an hour away and won't be home any time soon. Fine. I guess I'm just going to suffer through the day. I was cranky and sluggish, but whatever.

About half an hour later, guess who walks in the door. No, not my husband. My husbands best friend...with Sudafed!! Say it with me now....AWWWWW!

It didn't help that much, but it helped enough. I'm going to try a couple other home remedies before I go to bed and hope I am able to sleep tonight.

Side note, because I am emotional and H was being so cute today. He had a dentist appointment this afternoon. He came home and announced that he had a clean bill of...well...hygiene? I don't know, whatever. No cavities! Then he announces (to the dog) that he doesn't have to go back until July. And that "by that time, I'll be a Daddy!" Once again... AWWWW!

I am sure that when I am recovered from this head cold thing, I will have to have sex with him for being super. And I will have to tell him first why I'm having sex with him. Because it's more fun that way. Incentive to do more nice things, I think!

Things not to say to a pregnant woman:

2009-01-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

1. "Wow, you're getting big!"
2. "Must be twins."
3. "You look tired."
4. "You look awful!"
5. "That baby must be taking a toll on you."
6. "Gee, your ass is jiggly today!" (Thanks for that husband!)
7. "Are you sure you're pregnant?"
8. "You're going to get huge fast."
9. "Was it a surprise/mistake?"
10. "Do you know who the dad is?"

If you have ever said any of these, DIAF. K Thanks bye.

That is all.

A creative title escapes me...

2009-01-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Day: 118
Days Left: 162
Feeling: Pretty good. Crossing my fingers that this keeps up for me.
Mood: A little emotional about some work issues going on, but overall, I'm a happy camper.
Recent Cravings: Still none.
Just Noticed: The sun is out. Yay! Maybe I'll take Chip for a walk later.

Good things happening!

We put together the crib on Saturday! I was surprised at how easy it was to talk H into it. He hasn't moved his desk or printer downstairs yet, but the rest of the stuff is down there. I can't help him carry the desk downstairs, so that will probably not happen until after we get the dresser. Which we need to order first. Guess I better get H on that! I emptied out the closet and put all the baby stuff in there the other day. It feels really good to be getting things done.

I will post a picture of the crib after we get the room a little more done, and after we get a mattress. It looks like a little baby jail without it.

More good news. A friend is pregnant! Yay! She's about 5 weeks along, due in September. This will be their second baby. As horrible as this sounds, I struggled between being happy for her and being jealous of her the last pregnancy, so I am entirely happy that I will be able to be supportive to her without a bit of jealousy this time.

16 w 6 d
14 days until US!

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

2009-01-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

...When you're fast asleep...

So, does that mean my heart really wanted to get some last night? Because I for sure had my first sex dream last night. I've heard about them being prevelant during pregnancy, but yeah... I had no idea.

Last night, I read "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. Hilarious. I read the whole book in one night! She talked about sex dreams in the book, so maybe that's what got me thinking about it.

Just thought I'd share with you all!

16 w 4 d

Let the countdown begin!

2008-12-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

Now, I realize that it is New Years Eve and all, but that is not the countdown I am talking about. I will share details later. I like to keep you on the edge of your seat.

I owe you pictures. Here...now shush. And yes, I'm still a week behind, but I have yet to put those on my computer.

14 Weeks:

15 weeks:

So there we are. And yes, for some reason the pets love to be in the pictures. Anywho- I went to the doctor yesterday for my 16 week check-up. It was a great time. I learned valuable lessons. Don't joke with the doctor about drinking alcohol. They don't like it. To repay you for said joke, they warn you about contractions. Uh...I'm 16 weeks, doc. Are contractions...normal? What do they feel like? Meanwhile, I am thinking in my head Holy %$#@! No one told me about this happening this early!

Contractions apparently feel like an entire abdomen cramp. They last for a minute or more usually. They hurt. But I shouldn't have to worry about those until about 30 weeks.

Well played, doctor. Well played.

Anyways- so I think I discussed this before, but I'll recap. When I went for my 12 week appointment, I had lost 4 pounds. Not abnormal considering that I had no appetite due to morning sickness. Well, my MS had subsided for the most part. I still have general feelings of yuckyness, but it's manageable. I still don't have a huge appetite, but I'm eating a lot more. I felt like I had gained back the 4 pounds and maybe a couple more.

Now, I am not at all one of those preoccupied weight people. Not to sound like a snot, but weight has never really been an issue or a concern for me. I have been blessed with a high metabolism and I am thankful for that. Being pregnant, I am fully aware that I will gain some weight. People who are normal weight should try to gain between 20-25 lbs. I can handle that. I can handle more. I know I'll bite my tongue later, but I want to gain enough weight for my baby to be healthy. However much that may be.

I lost a pound.

How is that possible? I am obviously getting a little rounder in the baby area...what's the deal? I do not eat healthy AT ALL. I am the worlds worst eater. I swear it. There is not one fat free or reduced fat item in my house. DH makes sure of it.

Now, my doctor was not at all concerned. Or so it seemed. He noticed that I was still wearing my regular jeans, and I think he picked up on me being a little bummed about that. He told me not to worry; that was a good thing. I'm not saying that I would like to have gained 40 lbs by now, but I can't continue to lose weight. That's not normal. Then- we were discussing ultrasounds (!!!!) and I asked if there were normally any more US's after "The Big One". He said that no, most people don't have any more ultrasounds after that one unless there is an issue or problem they want to check out. Then, a couple minutes later, he told me that he was pretty sure that I was going to have to have more after the big one- that since I was so little, he thought the baby would always be measuring small and they would want to check things out.

So he is concerned or he's not concerned? I don't know. One of those things that someone says to you and you really don't start to think about until later. And then when you start thinking about it, you can't stop thinking about it. What does it mean? Why would he say that?

But moving on, I'll stop whining about something that is really nothing to whine about.

MY ULTRASOUND IS JANUARY 19TH!!!

I am soooo excited. Correction: WE are soooooo excited! I can't wait!

Oh yeah...before I forget:

Day: 113

Days Left: 167

Feeling: Still feeling a little "smooshed" inside, but the doc told me that the baby should start to move up towards my ribs in the next couple weeks. Wonderful.

Mood: Emotional. Strange things have been making me cry. Not just ADT commercials!

Recent Cravings: Crinkle fries, hot dogs from the Corner Bar (only because I can't eat them), and KFC mashed potatoes with gravy. I still don't feel like these are actual cravings though...they just sound good.

Just Noticed: Holy Crap! Something just exploded in the CSI Lab! Um...I may or may not have felt the baby this past weekend. I should start to feel the little bugger soon. I felt like, little bubbles popping in my belly, and then later I felt (I swear) this like, worm like feeling squirming around in there, and then the next day I felt something almost tapping from the inside. I can't be sure it's the baby. I told DH and he said "Maybe it's trying to get out!"

Har Har

16 w 1 d

Not nearly as mad as I should be...and that makes me mad.

2008-12-27T18:18:00.000-08:00

Ok...first of all, Merry late Christmas to everyone! I hope you all had great holidays!

Second of all, whoever voted that I am having a genderless beast (Sunshine?), you suck.

Third of all, yes, I know, I am like seven weeks behind on pictures (ok, two), but I am much too lazy to put them up right now. Deal.

So, let's get to it.

Day: 109
Days Left: 171
Feeling: I believe that I am fighting a slight cold. I have a runny nose, the sniffles, and my chronic headaches have returned. I thought that they were gone...I went a few days without them, but now they are back.
Mood: A little tempermental. Not outwardly, but I have fought the urge to tell H to F off a couple times...which I do not speak like that to people, so I think the thought surprised me enough to make me not say it.
Recent Cravings: Nothing.
Just Noticed: I woke up this morning with the feeling that my insides were getting squished. It was the strangest feeling. It has since subsided a little, but I still feel it. I mean, it makes sense. What was once the size of my fist is now much bigger. The baby is as big as an orange this week.

So...what am I not as mad about as I should be? And not being mad is making me mad? Let me explain. My MIL is not married. She has been dating a man for years and years and years. He moved out of state a few years ago. Since then, she has dated several other men without breaking up with BF #1 first. They have finally seperated. Now, I do not know the whole story, but she apparently called BF#1 while he was on his way home for Christmas, and told him that she was not interested in him and she was seeing someone else.

None of this is upsetting to me. No, I don't approve of her dating more than one person at a time, but it is neither my business or my place. Once my baby is born, I will have a say in who is around, but that is a horse of a different color. Anyways, I was working the other day and I ran into EX-BF#1.
This is the conversation we had:
HIM: "So, Christmas at your house this year, huh?"
ME (thinking he was kidding): "Ha. Nooo...."
HIM: "You're not having Christmas at your house?"
ME (confused): "No."
HIM: "Oh, well that's where (MIL) said she was going to be all day. She said you were doing Christmas at your house."
:::Crickets chirp:::
ME (Now trying to backtrack, unsure of what's going on): "Uh, well, I guess I haven't really talked to H about it yet...maybe we're having something at our house. I guess I don't really know what's going on."

He didn't buy it. So there's strike #1 for MIL. Then in the course of the conversation, he congratulates me on being pregnant, it's the first time he's seen me since we told people.
Here's that conversation:
HIM: "So, the fertility medicine worked for ya, huh?"
ME (confused because we didn't tell anyone I was on fert. meds... thinking that maybe H accidentally let it slip or something): "Uh, yeah...it all worked out."
HIM: "You didn't know that we knew about the medicine, huh?"
ME (thinking that oh yeah, H must have blurted it out and then told them not to tell): "No, we didn't really tell anyone."
HIM: "Oh, well the only reason I know that is because we were over at your house one day to feed the dog and (MIL) was snooping. She found your medicine in the bathroom and knew what it was. She was really excited that you two were trying."
ME: I'm sure my face said it all
HIM (appearing to back-peddle at this point) "Yeah, your medicine was right out on the counter and she saw it."

Strike #2 and #3, MIL. That's so wrong it counts as two.
Let's review. Now, I could care less if she wants to lie to people about where she is and what she's doing. But there is no excuse for putting me in the middle of it, and the more I think about it, the more mad I am at myself for not totally outing her right then and there. No, we are not having Christmas. I don't know what she's talking about...something. I will not back-track or be elusive with information any more when it comes to her personal affairs in regards to her using us as an alibi. Uh-uh, lady. Done.
And okay, I understand it's normal human response to snoop a little. I get it. We've all been there. BUT... I know for a fact that I never left my medicine out on the counter. I was only on it for 5 days a month, and I was very careful to put my meds/PNV in my drawer when anyone was coming over, especially MIL or FIL. So that is a lie. She snooped in my drawer. She read the name on the prescription label. It is none of her business what medicine I am on- ever- at all. No matter what was wrong with me, whether I choose to share it with her or not is my business, and H's business in this case. He totally agreed with me that this did not need to be public knowledge and was just as discreet about our TTC as I was, if not more.
Now, in regards to snooping etiquette, let me just reiterate; we all snoop. Everyone has done it. But there's a certain etiquette to it. You snoop, you discover, you know, you keep quiet. You do not share the fact that you snooped or the fruits of that search with other people. You do not snoop when other people are with you. These are rules, not guidelines. RULES.
So anyways, MIL should be walking around with a bounty on her head right now, and she is instead totally not on my radar. I think it's because I did get pregnant and everything is fine. Had I not gotten PG and were still trying and found this out, I may have ripped her head off. Also, it's around the holidays, a very special time for me. And, I am just way too tired to care right now.
But I should. I should totally call her out on it and tell her what I think, and be irrate, and then blame it on pregnancy hormones and what-not, but I just can't...which is what makes me mad.

SIGH. Bitch fail.

I told DH all of this and he was not very happy about it, but I doubt he will say anything about it. We'll see. I will be very careful in the future, though. I will not trust her alone in this house again for quite some time. And if...IF...I ever do, I may plant some things in my drawer or around the house for her to find. Any suggestions?

15 weeks 4 days

Fascinating...

2008-12-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

Before I discuss just what is so fascinating...here's the stats.

Day: 104
Days Left: 176
Feeling: A little lazy. Alright...who are we kidding. Lazy. And still with these headaches. I was going to call the doctor on Thursday after work, but it was the day from hell and I ended up being there much later than I thought. So Monday it is.
Mood: Pretty typical. I nearly ripped my husbands throat out today because he invited a buddy over and the house is a disaster, but he redeemed himself by doing the dishes (my most hated chore), and I had decided to allow him to live.
Recent Cravings: Still none.
Just Noticed: I'm very thirsty.

In good news- we got early Christmas presents the other day and one of them was our CRIB!! YAY! I am fighting the urge to start putting it together. It's killing me. But I think if I got it all together, we wouldn't be able to get H's desk and other office stuff out of the former office, now nursery. I don't think I'm going to kick him out of there until the middle of January. I might start the fight now so that he gives in by the middle of January. Seems practical.

Anyways- here is what I found so fascinating. Upon searching for gender predictors because I am bored out of my skull and avoiding doing household chores, I came upon some Old Wives Tales. Let's have a look:

It's a boy if:

You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy

Okay, that does not include me. 0-1

Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute

Nope...it was in the 150's, 160's both times it was measured 0-2

You are carrying the extra weight out front

I'm not really carrying enough to judge. I call it a wash. 0-2

Your belly looks like a basketball

Nope. Not yet at least. Another wash. 0-2

Your areolas have darkened considerably

Lemme just check. Hope the neighbors aren't watching. Nope- still normal. 0-3

You are carrying low

Once again, not showing enough to decide. Wash. 0-3

You are craving salty or sour foods

No. 0-4

You are craving protein -- meats and cheese

Ick. No. The only meat I really want is hot dogs...if you call those meat. But I can't have them, so that's the reason I'm craving them. 0-5

Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy

I think they're about the same. No more freezing than usual. 0-6

The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy

Like I care. I don't think it's any faster. I just don't shave it ever because I don't care! 0-7

Your hands are very dry

No, which is surprising because winter normally dries my skin out. 0-8

Your pillow faces north when you sleep

Like I know which way is North! Can't count this one! 0-8

Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you

Hasn't gained a pound. 0-9. It's not looking good for DH's boy!

Pregnancy has you looking better than ever

HA! No way! I look horrible. Kind of like I don't have access to water and got shoved through a meat grinder. Something like that. 0-10

Your urine is bright yellow in color

Haven't noticed a difference. I'll keep an eye on it! 0-11

Your nose is spreading

I hope not! Let me run to the mirror and check! Whew! No, it's still normal. 0-12

You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves in circles

This is too much work. I'm not going to count it. Maybe after I get a bigger belly going. 0-12

You are having headaches

DING DING DING! Point #1 for a baby boy! All the time! 1-13

You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an even number

Oh geez. I didn't know math was involved. Okay... 23 + 9 = 32... Oh...it's even! 2-14

So 2 out of 14... that's a 14% chance of having a boy.

It's a girl if:

You had morning sickness early in pregnancy

That's me. 1-1

Your baby's heart rate is at least 140 beats per minute

Yes. 2-2

You are carrying the weight in your hips and rear

No. 2-3

Your left breast is larger than your right breast

Uh...let's see here. Nope. Look about the same to me. 2-4

Your hair develops red highlights

Well...it could be because of the red hair dye. I'm not going to count this one. 2-4

You are carrying high

Don't know yet. Wash. 2-4

Your belly looks like a watermelon

Not out there enough! 2-4

You are craving sweets

I suppose. I've always had a sweet tooth. I have to have my daily ice cream! 3-5

You are craving fruit

Actually yes. Very surprising... 4-6

You crave orange juice

Ugh! No! I hate orange juice! Always have. Gross. 4-7

You don't look quite as good as normal during pregnancy

Haha...see my above post about the meat grinder! 5-8

You are moodier than usual during pregnancy

Isn't everyone? 6-9

Your face breaks out more than usual

I thought that happened to everyone, no matter what they were having. Yes. 7-10

You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread

I have never eaten the butt of the bread. But I'll count it. 8-11

Your breasts have really blossomed!

I wouldn't say really blossomed. I'd say they're bigger... Mmm... I don't know. I say no. 8-12

Your pillow faces south when you sleep

Like I said...I wouldn't know if there was a compass on my ceiling. 8-12

Your urine is a dull yellow color

Always has been. 9-13

You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves from side to side

Not counting this. 9-13

You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an odd number

No. 9-14

So the odds of me having a girl is 64%

14 + 64 = 78%

The odds that I'm having a gender-less beast = 22%

It's not looking good! Haha...just kidding. That was fun. I'll have to go find some other gender predictors to play around with.

Seriously...if I smell one more SMELL!

2008-12-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you know how I posted yesterday about feeling good and waiting for the violent mood changes to occur? Yeah, well apparantly I jinxed myself. STUPID! So last night, H and I had BLT's for dinner. Oh yummy. The bacon smelled so good while it was cooking. I lit a candle in the kitchen because that usually alleviates the smell for me.
Now- you would think that when we had bacon on Sunday for breakfast and I made Will open the window because the smell was so overwhelming, that I might have realized bacon wasn't such a great plan.
But back to last night. We make and eat dinner. I sit down and watch TV for a little bit, waiting for the laundry to dry so I can fold it. I didn't feel all that fabulous, but it was manageable. I was watching the Food Network, which I enjoy, but apparently my TV time was over at 8:30- H decided to switch to football. But it switched it back to my show on commercials. Gee, how thoughtful. And then it hit me. I was going to puke. It was the bacon smell wafting in from the kitchen. Oh, it's horrible. I can't smell my favorite Harvest Yankee Candle- I can only smell gross, disgusting, sickening bacon. I complain to H. He just replies that it smells good.
No, you crazy insane man, it does NOT smell good. After suffering for a few minutes, I get up and spray the entire upstairs with air freshener. Well, now it smells like flowers and H complains. Then he says "weren't you going to get laundry?" Ass! He comes down and gets the laundry basket and I switch the loads. When I come back upstairs, he has pulled out his work clothes and left the rest of the basket for me. Yay. Then he goes on to ask me all snottily why I put so much in the dryer- now his work clothes are all wrinkly.
I start folding the laundry and his remark starts to get to me- so I start to cry. He's sitting five feet away from me and doesn't even notice that I'm crying. So I finish folding the laundry and decide to go take a bath- I need a little alone time so I can have my little emotional breakdown. I get in and what happens? Oh, H comes in the bathroom. I tell him that I need some time alone so I can have my little moment. And he wants to know what's wrong. So I tell him that I suck. I can't even do laundry right. And he says that I just put too much in the dryer. Yes- we've established that, thank you. I don't want to know the reason, I just want you to tell me it's ok. It's laundry- I know it's not a big deal. But I needed to hear it right then at that moment.
So he leaves, and I cry more. I calm down and dry off-after finding my towel that the dog dragged off when H was in the bathroom. I get some ice cream and sit next to H while he's watching football. There's a play and he comments on it- so I asked him a question. And he didn't answer. Not only did he not answer- he didn't even hear me. So I leave the room. I get all ready for bed and he comes in and starts bugging me- what's wrong what's wrong. So I tell him and he says he never heard me. I know that, jerkface. So- after awhile he comes to bed and apologizes.

I just seriously could not believe the emotional rollercoaster last night. Everytime I calmed down, something else happened. I allowed things that don't bother me to really get to me. I don't know- I'm sure we'll talk more about it when he gets home, but come on man! Get a clue. Alright. Rant over.

Baby, where are you???

2008-12-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Totally Overdue-13 week pictures from last Tuesday 12.9-

Tomorrow when I take pictures, I am going to do them in a tank and a couple in a regular long sleeve shirt. I feel like the tanks totally show off the belly, which is why I've been using them, but I'm totally not showing when I am actually all dressed, which I think is a big bummer. I do like to compare my current picture to my 8 week picture though. Those usually make me feel like I'm getting there!

Day: 99

Days Left: 181

Feeling: Pretty good. Still on the tired side, but that's to be expected. I am still having the constant headaches, although I haven't had one today...hold on, I have to go find some wood to knock on! I am also pretty much hungry all the time- but like I was pre-pregnancy, about 4 crackers fill me up, so it's not really a big deal. At least that's what I tell myself.

Mood: Typical. I'm just a ray of sunshine. I'm waiting for the violent mood swings- those sound exciting.

Recent Cravings: Nothing really.

Just Noticed: I discovered last week or the week before that the baby does not appreciate onions, garlic, or Italian dressing. Farewell Olive Garden, how I will miss you!

I'm still waiting for that whole nesting thing. I know it doesn't kick in until like 7-8 months, but I could use it now. I just have no motivation to do anything. Well, I suppose I do have some motivation- like just doing enough that my husband won't divorce me. That sounds good. I went and got my hair done today. Ahhh....that was nice. Considering I haven't had it colored in about 4 months and haven't had it cut since September, I was for sure due. I was looking rough. Now I'm just so purty! Although I am extremely pale. But whatever...I'm going for that whole vampire look. Ha!

Hey! Shocker...my belly is hungry! I think BLT's tonight- no T though. Ick. H should be home any minute- he's the bacon cooker. I'm the official bacon burner. It works for us.

This may take awhile (cont.)

2008-12-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

Continuing on... and yes, my nap was fabulous, thank you. Although now two episodes of CSI have been merged into one and I have no idea what's going on, but that's alright.

Here's my pictures: (Oh geez...I see I didn't post 11 week pictures either. I suck)

11 Weeks

12 Weeks:

Ok...there. That's done. Now- I realize that I am 13 weeks today, so I have taken a picture and I will post it probably tomorrow.

And I will finish my list tomorrow. I'm feeling a little ADD tonight.

This may take awhile...

2008-12-09T14:53:00.000-08:00

I've been neglecting my posting responsibilities, so I have many many points to cover here. I think, for the sake of my terrible memory, I will outline those topics here.
THINGS TO BLOG ABOUT:
a) Current stats
b) My 12-week dr. appointment
c) Pictures (need to add 12 week)
d) Baby steal of a lifetime
e) Rant involving pregnancy and what people say to me
f) Irony of my "Thankful" post

Alright- here's the current stats. And, I've been meaning to buy a scale to keep track of my weight (just because it's interesting, not because I am concerned about gaining weight. I'm not.), but I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Day: 91
Days Left: 189
Feeling: I feel better! I haven't had morning sickness in a couple weeks! My appetite is returning rapidly. I have still been more tired lately, but that is also beginning to subside. I used to take a 2 hour nap everyday and then still be ready for bed at 8:30 or 9. Now I usually fall asleep for 30-45 minutes after work and then go to bed at 10 or 11. I've heard that won't last long though. Now I'm just having daily back pain and headaches.
Mood: Much better now that I actually feel better. I no longer mope around. Yay!
Recent Cravings: None that I've noticed. I still love me some milk.
Just Noticed: It's going to be nap time real soon!

So, last Tuesday I had my 12-week doctor appointment. H went with me, because I was unsure of what they would be doing. I have heard of some people having ultrasounds at their 12-week appointment, and I didn't want him to miss that. So he went. They told me ahead of time that they would be doing an exam, so I told H that he may want to excuse himself during that. Oh no, no, he'll be fine, he says. Alright, buddy, whatever. So the doc does all the basic checkups with me and we do the whole Q and A thing. Then he gets the nurse and they start setting up for the exam. H is sitting in a chair pretty much right at the end of the table. I tell him he may want to move. He says that it's fine, it's nothing he hasn't seen before. Uh, not like this, my friend. The doctor starts pulling the stirrups out of the table and I swear to you, H's eyes got as big as baseballs. And he says... "I think I need to move my chair." Told ya! He told me later that he was glad he wasn't a woman. But anyways, I digress. Everything went very well at the appointment. We heard the heartbeat again! I have lost 6 pounds since the last time I was weighed there, but that's normal since I didn't feel very well.

Haha...that nap is calling my name. I will finish my post tonight or tomorrow!

Seriously? Have times not evolved?

2008-12-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, just as Webmd predicted, I am starting to eye maternity clothes, even though I don't need them quite yet. Although I have discovered that besides jeans and my work pants, none of my nice pants fit. Super. The past couple days, I have been looking online to see who's got the best deals and what I might need. Now, I have heard wonderful things about maternity clothes- they're comfortable, they're stylish now, blah blah blah. And yet, I manage to come across gems like these:

Ruffles and bows, pink and frills. Disgusting, I tell you. Just because I am having a baby does not mean I want to dress like a baby! I think back to the clothes that I remember my aunts wearing though, and these suddenly aren't that bad. I can just picture the massive bows on the collars and the flowery patterns.

Rant over. Pictures to be posted later.

I am thankful...

2008-11-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for the miracle that is growing inside of me.
I am thankful for the chronic back pain, headaches, and general icky feelings.
I am thankful for my husband, who I take foregranted far too often.
I am thankful for my wonderful friends, who have supported me through so much.
I am thankful that there is food in my fridge, water in my pipes, and heat in my house.
I am thankful for my cat and dog, who love me whether I am pretty or not.

It's amazing to me. I have lived 24 years on this planet, and I don't think I ever realized the point of Thanksgiving. Oh, I know the point is to "Give Thanks", but I don't think that I ever really thought about what I was thankful for. I have so much in my life and yet I constantly feel unsatisfied. This year, I really feel that I can look at what I have and truly be thankful.
As much as it sucked to have to try so long to get pregnant, I can look back and really appreciate the effort that we had to put into it. I can really appreciate the miracle that had been bestowed upon me and find happiness in it. After being on thenest.com and meeting other women online who are suffering through fertility issues, I will never take my child or my pregnancy foregranted. I will cherish every moment of it, and I really wish the best of luck to all the women out there who are trying to get pregnant. Babies to all of you!

I'm not really sure if it's necessary to point this out, but I have obviously started to become very emotional. For some reason, I cry at commercials. Now, for some odd reason, the Brinks Home Security commercials have always gotten me a little teary-eyed, but for the past few weeks, I practically sob when I see one. I think it's because home invasion really hits home for me. I have never had my home broken into or anything, but I can just imagine how horrible that would be. Sigh. I know, I'm strange.

Let's get to the facts:
Day: 78
Days Left: 202
Feeling: I finally feel like my morning sickness is beginning to subside. My appetite is still very tempermental, but it's improving. I was actually able to make a couple pies tonight.
Mood: Still very tired.
Just Noticed: It's 11:30 and I'm still awake! Gold star for me!

I got the most amazing smelling bath salts the other day. So today, I pulled out the rubber gloves and Soft Scrub and scrubbed the bath tub. I'm waiting for a phone call from drunk husband, so I'm not hopping in the tub tonight. I know that the minute I get in, the phone will ring. It just gives me something to look forward to tomorrow night when I get home from Turkey Day Drama. Like I said earlier, I also made a couple pies for tomorrow, and I cleaned up the entire kitchen, which I've been meaning to do for a long time.
If I feel ambitious tomorrow, I will make muffins, and vacuum upstairs, and clear off the catch-all of a kitchen counter.

Well, I'm finally starting to nod off, so I'm going to snuggle up on the couch and maybe rub Chip's little doggie chin and fall asleep until DH (stands for drunk husband tonight!) is ready to be picked up!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

I should be in forensics

2008-11-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

I've been watching a lot of CSI lately and I feel like I am on to the bad guys way before the CSI people. Either their foreshadowing is totally unsubliminal or I am really smart. Anyways, on to the good stuff!

Day: 71
Days Left: 209
Feeling: Still just okay. Icky feelings come and go, light-headedness is getting more frequent, I think I have low blood sugar or something. Right now I have a headache and all I have is extra strength Tylenol, which I'm not allowed to take.
Mood: Extremely tired.
Recent Cravings: No real cravings. Until about 2 or 3 p.m., the thought of any food pretty much turns my stomach.
Just Noticed: I look poochier at night than during the day. When I wake up, I can't even tell that there's a bump, but by the time I go to bed, I'm huge. See picture below for evidence!

Here are my 10 week pictures, which I forgot to take in the morning, so you'll note the big-ness of the belly.

I can't wait to get a belly that's a little more pregnant looking. Right now, I feel like I'm at the awkward stage of "Is she pregnant or is she getting fat?".

I am the laziest person alive.

2008-11-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

When does 'nesting' start? I would like to have the motivation to actually get up off my couch and clean the house. That is not the case though. Instead I watch movies all day long. I keep telling myself that I'll start doing the dishes or the laundry in 30 minutes.

Either way, here's the updates.

First, the 9 week pictures. Chip wanted to help.

Day: 68

Days Left: 212

Feeling: Alright. I'm hungry and nothing sounds good. Nothing.

Mood: Lonely and lazy. H is hunting all weekend, so I'm all by myself. It's funny how I just miss the presence of someone else being here, even though we wouldn't necessarily be doing something together.

Recent Cravings: Hot dogs from The Corner Bar. But I shouldn't have hot dogs, so I'm trying not to think about it.

Just Noticed: My lips are chapped.

I went to IKEA yesterday and spent $30. Much better than the insane amount of money I spent last year. I bought a bunny. It's the cutest stuffed bunny with big floppy ears. If the baby is a girl, it will match the nursery bedding I have picked out perfectly. It was my first baby purchase! The dog has been eyeing it all morning. It's taunting him. Ha.

So, I had my appointment with a nurse on Tuesday just to do paperwork. Now, mind you, I went to the doctor when I was 2 weeks PG to confirm and they just said yup, you're knocked up, see you around. So, at NINE weeks I go to this appointment and they give me this massive packet of information. I am three quarters of the way through my first trimester and the majority of the baby's critical development has already taken place, and they JUST NOW give me information about what to eat, what not to eat, things I can and can't do, medicine I can and can't take, etc. Thanks a heap, doc. You didn't have to go over it all with me, I have the ability to read. Quite well. Even the big words. Now, I am one of those compulsive people who looks up everything on the internet (webmd is my friend), so I am certain I have done/ate/taken nothing that would endanger my baby, but what if I wasn't like that? You'd be surprised how many people are blissfully uninformed and prefer to stay that way. People at work who are surprised that I will not drink at all during my pregnancy. People who don't understand why I don't want to bartend with people smoking all over me. People who have recently had a baby and don't know why I won't put lunchmeat on my sandwich or eat a hot dog or put feta cheese on something. BAHH. And I know that most of these things are done "just to be safe", but I would much rather be safe than sorry. I couldn't sleep thinking that I had done something potentially unsafe for my baby, knowing full-well that it was not the best choice I could have made.

Sorry. Rant over. Promise. Oh, the point of the whole story was that the nurse told me I shouldn't lift more than 10 lbs. 10! That is a whole lot of nothing. I already feel like an invalid at work, unable to carry large trays of food or get ice or do anything else that involves lifting. The movie I'm watching is talking about tuna pasta and it sounds amazing. But I don't even like tuna, pregnant or not. I'm going to go raid the fridge.

"And if it is any consolation, I have heartburn that is radiating in my kneecaps, and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday...morning."

2008-11-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

Ah, Juno, how I now understand your pain. Thanks for being OnDemand and keeping me company at my bi-daily "Am I or Am I Not Going to Puke" Parties. Appreciate the support.

Day: 65
Days Left: 215
Feeling: Pretty decent today, no real urge to vomit. Very very tired.
Mood: Alright. I was a bitch to a lady at work today, so that meets my quota.
Recent Cravings: Still loving the Pop-tarts and icy cold milk. H brought me Ranch Pringles today which are exceptionally elusive in MI, so I was a happy girl.
Just Noticed: It's really windy outside.

Day 64

2008-11-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

Stats:
Day: 64
Days Left: 216
Feeling: Still a little yucky, nausea comes and goes, sort of hungry at the moment
Mood: Very emotional, the Brinks Home Security commercials make me bawl
Recent Cravings: Pop-tarts (strawberry and smores), and ice cold milk (like milk with ice in it)
Just Noticed: I am exhausted

I have a couple week 9 pictures, but I am way to lazy to get off the couch and get my camera. Sorry folks, you're just going to have to wait. Strange how I can have a craving, eat something else, and then whatever I originally wanted sounds absolutely disgusting later. I am forgetful and scatter-brained; the nurse I saw at my appointment yesterday said that it would only get worse. So...something to look forward to then? Great! Currently I feel like the majority of my food gets stuck before it reaches my stomach. There's a perma-blob of something that is below my throat, right in the underboob vicinity. Odd.

Gotta go...talking about Pop-tarts and ice-cold milk has given me a great idea. The only question; strawberry or smores? Only time will tell.

My raspberry is making me sick.

2008-11-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

According to thenest.com, my baby is the size of a raspberry. Amazing how things change so rapidly in your body. Amazing.

These are my pictures from Tuesday, November 4th, at officially 8 weeks! So far, all that's noticeable is my little food baby!

I have had some morning sickness for the last two weeks, but I actually felt relatively normal today, so let's hope that the baby has heard my pleas and is taking it easy on me!

8 weeks 3 days

Time to update!

2008-11-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official! I'm pregnant!

I took my last month of Clomid with no real hope of it working for me. I called my doctor and got a referral to a fertility specialist. We had an appointment for Monday, October 6. I did not chart the month of September, but now knowing my cycle, I still made sure we were trying around the right time.

Fast forward to the end of September. I felt my period coming. I had cramps and all the classic signs. I told H that AF was coming. Boo. The only thing that seemed different was that my back was killing me. I had never had any kind of back pain in my life, so it seemed a little odd. Although the Clomid gave me increasingly horrible cramps and other side effects, so I didn't really find it that off. I just kept waiting for AF. H went to Chicago for a week for work and that Friday I was up early before work. I was so frustrated and was trying not to think that I could be PG, because I really didn't believe it.

I decided to test that morning, simply to get rid of the HPT that was sitting in my drawer. Of course when I opened it, I realized that I had bought the 'Buy One, Get One Free' pack, so I would still have one left. Damn! Oh well, I still decided to do it. I took the test and went downstairs to sort some laundry for later. A few minutes later, I went upstairs and peeked. The immediate events are a little fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I jumped back against the wall and gasped. I was laughing and smiling and crying all at the same time. I was so amazed. But still skeptical.

I told my husband later that night and he was very very excited. I called and cancelled our appointment at the fertility clinic and instead made an appointment with an OB

Month 4 = FAIL.

2008-08-05T04:43:00.000-07:00

So, when the pain woke me up yesterday morning and my temp dropped again, I figured that AF would show up later that day. And sure enough, she did. I can't figure out if the cramps are really that much worse than last month, or if it's all in my head. Every time AF shows, I can't help but thinking how I want to stop Clomid because it makes my cramps so bad. I went to the store last night, and I couldn't even grocery shop because they were that bad. I had to keep gripping the cart and breathing like I was in f-ing labor. Seriously. Midol is my friend. My BFF at this very moment. And tequila was my friend last night. Oh, tequila, how I love you so. Ha.

WTF body?

2008-08-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

So, after I barely succeded in making that last post, I nearly crawled to my bed and laid down. I could not sleep, but now I'm fine. So so strange. A couple Midol's and an hour later, and my horrifying cramps are now gone. 100% gone. I do not understand. Midol usually helps to dull the pain, but never eliminates it entirely. Sigh. I guess I'll go attempt yard work while my body decides what it's doing. AF hasn't officially arrived yet, so we'll just wait.

We're going to need some more Midol over here. Can we get that in IV form?

2008-08-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

Ah, skip it. Let's just go straight to the Morphine drip. PLEASE. Even as I write this, the pain is ripping through my abdomen like a thousand knives. Nothing down there feels right at this very moment. Inhaling hurts. And, oh! Yes, exhaling hurts too. AF, you are a cruel bitch mother. I shake my fist at you! I'm glad I haven't eaten yet, because I'm fairly certain that cramping like this would make me vomit. Alright, I'm off to curl up in a ball and more than likely, cry myself back to sleep, though I don't know whether it will be from the pain or the disappointment.

...And I Wonder.

2008-08-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

Why?

Tested again today. Another BFN. As much as I like living in this delusion, thinking that there's a small chance of being PG, I really just want to get the show on the road. I'm really just waiting to see what happens- I have no real expectations of what's coming.

If I am PG, awesome. I just wish my body would let me in on the secret. I want to know. ASAP. I do not want to waste one minute of the happiness that a BFP would provide me. I want it. And I want it now. You all know me and patience. Just not happening.

If I'm not PG, ok. I'll deal. Just let AF come, so I can wallow in self-pity and pain for 2 days, and then get right back on track to try again. If I am not PG though, I think it is incredibly cruel of my body to put me through this.

I keep thinking, "Geez, I'm 13 dpo. That's promising, right?". And then I realize that no, it's really not promising. I'm not 13 days late for my period or anything, I am actually only 1 day late. And that's not a for sure figure. I will probably test again in the morning. We'll see though. I think my heart can handle it, but it may have to wait a little longer.

Oh, what the hell am I saying? You all know I'm going to test in the morning if the temps look ok.

Oops, I Did it Again....

2008-08-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

So, I tested last night. I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to hold out. BFN. I actually felt better after I did it though. At least I know. I'm preparing myself for AF and another month of disappointment. Then when I got up this morning, I decided to try again. Another BFN. I could have done without that, but I did it to myself. My temp went down this morning too. Boo. Not a lot, but just that it went down says enough to me. More than likely, AF will show up tonight, right around the time I get to work. She is a crazy bitch like that. I guess I'll just keep testing until she gets here though. Peeing on stuff is a hard habit to let go of.

I am not going to make it.

2008-07-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

No way. No how.

There is no way that I am going to be able to resist testing until Sunday. I had to go to the store today for some other things, and it just seemed to be a good time to buy a test. Ugh. I shouldn't have, but I did. I can't help it. Every time I walk by the bathroom drawer, I think "Oh...I could just do it real quick. Just to see." And then I think, "No, just wait. It's still early yet. Just wait. Do you really want to look at another negative test?" "No...I want to see a positive one...which it could be." It's a mental struggle that no one should need to endure. I am going to try my hardest to not test tonight, because if I'm already testing "early", then I should definitely wait until morning to test with FMU. Although, my max. LP was 12 days, so theoretically speaking, if I don't get my period tomorrow, and I test, say, Saturday, then I won't really be testing early. My period would actually be a day late. I think I said that right.

Geez, I just don't know. I think if I do test tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to hold it in. There are certain people who are going to suspect early on-people who know we are trying. Two friends were just commenting the other day about how they are never going to be able to figure out when I get PG unless I tell them. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I eat ok, I already pee a lot, and I am a master at being cunning. Just to be a brat, I told them that all that was true...I could be PG right now, and they'd never know. I got some killer looks for that one.

It's sad when you buy a household product and it becomes the highlight of your day. Our kitty had a little bladder infection going on, and had an accident last week on the carpet. She's better now, but I can not seem to get the spot out, no matter what I put on it. And I've tried everything just short of straight bleach. So today when I was at the store, I decided to purchase the Bissell Little Green. It's a deep cleaner. Now, I cannot wait to finish this so that I can go clean my carpet. Man, I am a L-O-S-E-R. Whatever. At least I'll be a loser with clean carpet.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up testing tonight. I suck at life.

I will not get excited.

2008-07-31T04:44:00.000-07:00

I will not get excited.
I will not get excited.
I will not get excited.

Keep repeating to self.

My temp went up this morning. I am just waiting for the horrible plunge, followed by the horrible cramping, and then the horrible realization that it didn't work. I told H last night that I was probably going to get AF any day, so I was sorry for turning into a crazed, homicidal bitch. He is funny because I was totally fishing for him to tell me to take a test (I wouldn't be able to tell him no), and he never caught on. He just stood there, eating his ice cream, nodding his head. I would love to hear his thoughts:
"It's hot out. It's a good thing I have ice cream. I want to go fishing. Look at those guys fishing. Why don't I get to fish. I wonder how the Tigers are doing. Man, they suck. I can't believe they traded Pudge. What idiots. What's Lynette saying? Oh. Yikes. Something about her period being due any day. Please let it happen while she's at work. I wonder if it's really cold in the ice cream factory. Hmm..."

Haha. Sounds about right. I thought about testing last night. I didn't. I thought about testing this morning. I didn't. I still haven't opened the drawer in the bathroom to see what my testing options are. I'm pretty sure all I have are the cheapies that came with my OPK's. And judging by how well those worked, I don't think I could trust any result I got. I would love just wait it out and not test until the very end (unless AF shows up, obviously). But 18 days? That's another week! There's no way I can wait that long. I do not have the will-power or the patience for that. I'm thinking maybe Sunday would be a good day. Although H has already informed me that he will be hungover that day. Hmm...maybe not the best day to possibly tell him that he is now expected to clean up his act and become a responsible father. Ha...I can hear it already.
Me-"Honey, did you have fun last night?"
Him- "Hmrmmmmph....yeah. Turnalightoffffff"
Me- "Good, because that was your last night out. Surprise!"

Hehe...oh, the possibilities. I am now, however, keeping a hawks-eye on my "symptoms". Of which I have none. Well, except for peeing every 4 seconds. But since I normally pee every 5 seconds, that's not saying much of anything. Maybe a slightly increased appetite, but I'm pretty sure I just eat that much normally and don't want to admit it. Crap. There goes that one. I didn't feel very well twice yesterday morning. But once was because I drank my cranberry juice too fast and on an empty stomach. And then again because I ate eggs, which already do not agree with me 50% of the time, and I had all that juice still sloshing around in there. So yeah, neither of those count.

11 dpo.

So I have it for later...

2008-07-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

...because I've spent the last 20 minutes searching for it.

HPT accuracy DPO

10 dpo : 35%
11 dpo : 51%
12 dpo : 62%
13 dpo : 68%
14 dpo : 74%
15 dpo : 80%
16 dpo : 88%
17 dpo : 92%
18 dpo : 99%

I'm excited because I'm not letting myself get excited.

2008-07-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

Which may sound confusing, but it's good because it means there's a tiny part of me that wants to be excited. A small piece of me is hopeful. I feel like it's my brain and hearts natural instinct to try to protect me from a major letdown, so they just aren't letting the excitement build up like in the past. Interesting defense mechanism there.

I have a busy week ahead of me, so that's good. The dog just got fixed yesterday, so I'm busy helping him recoop. Although, he seems to be in excellent spirits and health today. And, while we're on the subject, I just decided that I don't like to say my dog got "fixed". "Fixed" implies that he was broken, that he needed repair. He wasn't broken. But I can't remember which gets spayed and which gets neutered. Boys neutered, girls spayed? I don't know. Whatever. My Chip can no longer create little Chips. There. Done. I really hope he calms down after all this. He is insane.

So, on Sunday, I went to a friends baby shower. It was mainly attended by people that we work with, so it was a umm... colorful group. I couldn't believe how many people were hungover or still drunk. That's just...special. So anyways, we were passing around a baby pool to guess the birthdate and weight of the baby, and someone suggested that we start a pool for who's going to be next. Immediately, I felt about half the eyes in the room bore into me. It stung for a second, but I saved face pretty fast and remembered that very few people (2, actually) in that room knew about my issues. Luckily, the girl who's having the baby is one of those people, and she just said, "When she's ready", and immediately changed the subject. Love her! Everyone at my work is so into everyone else's business, it drives me insane. Sure, it's nice when you need to talk to someone, but not when you come to work on Monday to hear the latest not-even-remotely-close-to-what-you-said story that's going around about you. And people don't seem to have the same communication skills at my work as most people in the everyday world do. Most people will realize when they bring up a subject and you immediately go quiet-that maybe that's not something you want to talk about. Next topic please! Not here though. If you get up and leave the room, they just follow you.

It's getting so hard for me to not be rude to people when they ask about our future children. I just feel all this rage and inner turmoil, and I want to scream in the person's face about how that's not a nice question to ask someone with fertility issues. And I want to kick them. Just once. Not hard. In the shins. Usually, I just say, "Oh, I don't know..." and kind of play it off. But I get even angrier at myself thinking about how I want to respond so cruelly to these people. Chill, Lynette. They don't know. They have no idea. They are asking a question out of genuine curiousity- they are not implying that you cannot have children. Sometimes I concern myself.

Tomorrow is the first day that would serve any purpose to test, in my mind. I don't think I will though. I think I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens. If AF shows up, well then, that's that. If not, then I might allow myself to get a little excited. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Please.

2008-07-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got crosshairs for this Month! FF says that I O'd on Sunday, which is possible. And decent timing. I had to work a double that day and didn't get to use my OPK for that day, so I may have missed it. I'm happy to finally have crosshairs and I'm really happy that I was able to predict what day they would be on even before they showed up, just based on temps and my body's signals.

I'm feeling a little... odd, I guess, about this entire month. I mentioned it the last time that I blogged, and I am nervous because the anticipation is not building. I am 6 dpo, and it's not really a big deal. Even though it sucked, waiting in nervous anticipation, with that little voice in the back of your head saying "Maybe...", I wish I could experience it now. I am not getting excited, or nervous, or anxious, or anything, really. I'm just waiting it out. It feels like something has been lost, like my flame has been snuffed out entirely too early. 4 months is not that many, but it seems to be enough to have thoroughly disappointed me. Before I spent hours plotting in my head about how I would tell my husband, how we would tell our friends, and his parents. And now, I just don't care. I just want to see that test positive. That's all I want. I don't want to say that I have lost hope, but I'm beginning to wonder. We'll see next week, when it gets to be time to test.

Please let this work.

Rollercoaster... of love.

2008-07-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

My chart is way wicked this month. I have pretty much no idea WTF is going on with it. I don't even know if I O'd this month, which would not be cool. Can that happen even? I hate my doctor. The temps are up, the temps are down, there is no consistancy whatsoever. Bah!

I feel as though I'm kind of just going through the motions of temping this month. I was wondering at what point my spirit would break, and I would lose that little bit of optimism that's been keeping me afloat. Well, it was this month. Don't get me wrong. I'm still in this 110%, I want to have a baby, I want to get PG, and I want it now. But I think I'm coming to the realization that it's not going to happen now. It's going to happen when it happens, and there's nothing else I can do about it. I'm looking a little online, and not finding any helpful info about if Clomid can work for 3 months and then not work. I am, however, finding quite a lot of sites that say if it doesn't work in 3 months, it's not going to work. Then, I find success stories that have the women on cycle 4 or 5 with Clomid. See...there's so much information out there and I wish someone could filter out the parts that aren't true. That the people who are misinformed would just not post on the internet.

Back to saying that I'm just going through the motions. I'm still temping, but I don't sit and stare at my chart for hidden clues anymore. I enter the info, look at the chart, and I'm on my way. Maybe it's because this month, there's no hidden clues that I can find. There's nothing but up and down, up and down. The OPK's have all been negative. So unless I O'd on the one day I forgot or the one day that I was at work from 9-9 and couldn't test, then I either haven't O'd or these tests suck. Take your pick, because I sure as hell don't know. Because of the Clomid, I have an idea about when I'm supposed to O, so that's helps with timing sex. But it's been different this month. I don't know if it's because I haven't been so preoccupied with with TTC and H isn't feeling so pressured, but we seriously cannot keep our hands off each other. Well, mainly I can't keep my hands off him.

For the past 3 months, I have been trying to tell myself that I had no sex drive after O; that I was so "sexed out" from all the TTC sex, I didn't want to have sex just to have sex. Well, this month has proven that wrong. Because I can not believe that there is still an O coming this month. I don't know what could have possibly delayed it this long (::runs off to google in another window about delayed O::). I can't find anything. I'll have to consult with my fastly becoming well-worn copy of TCOYF.

Some people go on a TTC break when they've reached their breaking point. They stop temping and don't time sex. I don't really feel like I'm on a mental TTC break. I am still TTC. I feel like I'm on an "over-analyzing" break. I just slowed down and paid attention to only the things that were blatently obvious. I didn't try to make something into something that it wasn't. And I'm not going to. This month anyway.

I think it's really helping that I'm distracting myself. Not with the intention of distracting myself, but that's just how it's happening. I have found a wonderful new series of books that I'm reading. And anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessive. I find something I like, and I can't stop. I do it all the way. Like TTC, like reading (I read a novel and a half on Monday), like Pirates, like anything. I take off running with things and it takes me quite a while to slow down. And I don't want to slow down. I like the speed. I do. TTC was the only thing that I started obsessing about that was not healthy for me. I couldn't stand all the waiting. I still can't, but like I said, I've slowed down. It's the way it is.

I'm now going to force myself to do the dishes before I start reading again!

I have to admit, I find this all a little confusing.

2008-07-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

So this month, I decided to use OPKs. I think I discussed this a little a few posts down, but I don't remember. Anyways, I decided to try it. Obviously, what I'm doing isn't working, so let's add something else to the mix. Now, bear in mind, that I am an intelligent girl. I graduated from college with a decent GPA, and I am no dummy. But, I find the whole concept of OPK's a little mind-boggling. First off, I decide to order them online to save some money. They show up a few days later with nothing. No instructions, no nothing. Just the tests. Uh...ok. I don't even know which end to pee on! Come on people, give me something! So, I go to their website, and sure enough, there's a page for 'instructions'. Super. I read them carefully. I read them again. I go to take my first test on Monday. I look at the stick for answers. I think to myself, "Now, wtf does that mean?" I hop back online to look. It's now Friday and I have yet to master the OPK test stick. I think I should have just spent the extra money and bought the one that gives you a smiley face or a frown face. That I might be able to figure out. I think I should invest in a company like that. We'll develop OPKs that instead of having a boring line, will say 'DO IT' or 'GET BUSY'. Likewise, we will develop pregnancy tests that instead of lines will say 'KTFU' or 'CONGRATS' or, on the negative side 'NO AGAIN', or 'HAHA... NO'.
So anyways, I have consulted their site daily to try to make sense of it, and I just don't get it. I forgot to take my test yesterday, but my temps didn't look promising, so no biggie. I'm going to keep doing them, because maybe I'll figure it out eventually.

WTF?

2008-07-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

So, I just started researching for my tattoo. I just wanted to read up on any possible problems with TTC and a new tattoo. I am not PG, and I am starting to realize that I can't keep holding off on everything until after I get PG. So, I'm looking into it. I google "tattoos and TTC". Nothing really. I google "tattoos and pregnancy". Um...it pops up with tons of info about getting a tattoo while pregnant. Really though? WTF, who does that? I can totally understand if you dont know you're PG, and you get a tattoo, but planning to get one when you clearly know that you are PG? I am a scarey-cat and would NEVER get a tattoo in the 2ww. If I even thought that maybe I was PG, I would steer clear of the tattoo shops. Just like I don't drink unless I have my period, I don't get tattoos unless I have my period. Lynette Rule. Ha.

I am scared.

2008-07-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, even though I don't post every day on thenest.com, I go there pretty often. I just pop in when I'm not busy or have a couple extra minutes. And I have to tell you that while I love it there, all these women suffering miscarriages scares the heck out of me. I read that someone got PG, and then a couple weeks later, I read that they miscarried. Sometimes it brings me to tears, sometimes I cry. I think it's so heart-breaking. And I know that while finding out I'm PG will be the happiest moment in my life, I know that the next minute will be filled with sheer panic. I mean, so many of these women, and other women, do not do anything wrong. It's not their fault. There is nothing that they could have ever done to prevent this from happening. I just feel like when I first started thinking about TTC, I knew it was a possibility, and it happened. That's obvious. But I guess the numbers just seem so high. According to my sources, the probability of a miscarriage is 20%. But, it could be higher (40-50%) because some women miscarry before they even know they're PG, and don't really know that they have, in fact, miscarried. So, even if you just consider the 20%, that's still an alarming number to me. Every cycle, with perfectly timed sex and all, you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant. Then you have the same odds of miscarrying your child? Frightening. Very frightening. I have just found another site that says the odds are more like 10%. Still scary to me. And then, if you have a miscarriage, your odds of having another one are higher.
But, I am really putting the cart in front of the horse here. I need to just not think about this until the timing is appropriate.
In other news, I have been considering getting another tattoo, and I am now seriously looking into it. I want another one. I've got a pretty good idea of what I want, and anyone who knows me, or has read any of my blog, knows that waiting is not my thing.

Random Thoughts...

2008-07-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, I am sitting around waiting to O. I have no idea when it will happen, and I find the entire process a little frustrating today. I started OPK's today, which I am not so sure about. I ordered some cheapies from a pretty popular website, and now I'm wondering if I should have just spent the extra money and bought a name-brand OPK. We'll see at the end of this cycle, I guess.
I find myself wondering what I have done in my life that is making it so difficult to get pregnant, and I can't figure it out. I am pretty much a good person, I'm honest, and I am genuine with people. I like me. I don't think it's anything that I've done, but you can't help but wonder about things like this sometimes.
We ordered new carpet and laminate flooring last week, which is very exciting. When we decided we were ready to TTC, I told H that we had to get new carpet asap. I couldn't imagine bringing a child into the world with carpet like this. I am honestly shocked that I can walk across it without wearing shower shoes or slippers or something. Now that I've thought about it, I will probably be disgusted when I do have to step on it again. It's going to look so nice when we get it all installed. Yay. And we are tearing up the carpet that's in the eating area and putting laminate flooring there. This was also a decision based on the fact that we will soon (hopefully) have children. Who puts carpet on the area where your child will be eating spaghetti and other messy foods? Who knows.
On another good note, the dog tried to rip down the curtains in the bedroom, which in and of itself does not sound like a good thing, but... in trying to rip them down, he bent the curtain rod, which is ugly and needs replacing. So now I can replace it and not feel so bad about fixing something that isn't broken. I'm going to look around for other things that I could break and blame on the dog. Ha!
I can't wait to be PG and start showing and wearing maternity tops. I think that's exciting. I'm sure I'll feel like a fat cow when it happens, but as of right now, I am looking forward to it. Note to self: read this when hugely pregnant and laugh at your own stupidity. I hope my boobs get bigger. And stay bigger. Chances are they won't stay big, but hey, a girl can dream.
I think I am going to start eating healthier. We still have lots of junk in the house, because we both are huge sweet eaters, but I think when it's gone, it's gone. No more Oreos, Snickers ice cream bars, cookie mix, or Drumsticks. Oh...Oreoooos. Yum. Gotta go. :-)

I made it.

2008-07-08T18:31:00.001-07:00

So I survived six days from hell. Well, really it was three days from hell, but combine that with having to sleep in a tent one of the nights and realizing right before bed Saturday night that I was out of tampons, we'll call it six days of hell. The first 2-3 days are just horrible. I think it's just Karma coming to kick my ass. I never understood those girls whose periods were "Sooooo bad...." and thought they were just being sissys and milking those 7 days for all they could. Not so. I retract any previous statement I may have said about any cramping/whining/period-related anything. I have to because I am now "that girl". And I don't want to be that girl, but it just sucks. H was actually really nice and supportive the first few days when it was so bad. I am one of those people who is never 100% healthy. I always have allergies bugging me or a stuffy nose or my leg hurts or I think I'm developing a tumor on the back of my neck, etc. I am kind of a sissy. Not in the aspect that I make it up-I don't. I just do not find it easy to ignore physical ailments. But when I am really sick, all I do is lay in bed and sleep. Or just lay there. No TV, no book, no music, no food, no nothing. I have even considered kicking the cat out of bed when I'm not feeling well, but she cuddles me and makes me feel better most of the time. So after I spent the first day after work in bed, H knew that something was definately up. He actually told me that he was happy he wasn't a girl, because he never wanted to feel as bad as I looked. Not exactly a compliment, but it helped. So, in summary, I am still alive. I finished Clomid tonight. And it's our 2-year anniversary. Yay us!

I am emotionally unstable.

2008-07-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

So, as I sit here trying to write this, I have to stop every couple minutes to squint my eyes and double over in pain from stupid AF. Yes, she showed up and she is a cruel bitch. Clomid has made my not so bad, only light cramping on the first day periods turn into heartless painful and pretty much horrifying cramps kind of period. Combine that with not being PG, and you get a freaking mess. Which is me. I am maxed out on my dosage of Midol, and yesterday all I wanted to do was lay in bed. Bahhh.

I tested this morning.

2008-06-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

And as (kind of) expected, it was negative. I could just be testing too early though. It's only 11 dpo, possibly less. I couldn't test all weekend either, which I find very frustrating. My temp had dropped a little this AM, but I have no idea if that was part of a consistant temp drop or just a fluke. It's still above the coverline, and did not drop a lot, so I'm still hoping. I tried to fill in all my info from over the weekend at FF, and at one point it tried to change my O from the 19th to the 21st. I wasn't sure whether to trust that, so I changed my info back, just because I wasn't even positive that what I was telling it was right. So I could only be 9 dpo. If I O'd the 21st though, my chances are pretty much non-existant, because H was out of town.
Over the weekend, I slept with my wedding rings on Friday night, which I never do. I thought that my finger was just a little swollen on Sat AM, but my finger itched all day. It still is itchy, even though I've had my rings off as much as possible. A friend that we were staying with this weekend told me that I was probably PG. She said that her pregnancy hormones reacted with her rings and she couldn't wear them her entire pregnancy. I understand that she's just speculating, but she doesn't understand how much stock I put in what she said. It really just got my hopes up. I know that everyone's symptoms are different, and I probably just got a bug bite or something, but geez. And I know that it's really too early for me to be having any kind of symptoms even if I were PG, but you can't help but wonder.
I do feel better now that I took a test though. I was all apprehensive and nervous about it, so I feel relieved now that it's over. I used my last test this morning too, so that's good. I won't get that itch to test and have everything readily available. I'm going to try to not test again this week. At least until Friday at the earliest. I think now I'm just waiting for AF to show up (even though I haven't had one sign of her coming), so if I make it until Friday I will probably just be a bundle of hopes and nervousness.

I am ready.

2008-06-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. 7dpo. Just waiting. Too early to test. I want to wait until at least 12 dpo if my chart looks good. I noticed that last months LP was only 11 days, so I feel like that's a good goal. In the midst of looking for faux symptoms, I have to tell you. I feel no different. Nothing at all. Every time I go to pee though, I think that maybe I'm peeing a lot. But I think I'm just paying more attention to it. Who knows. In honor of my possible impending pregnancy, I've decided to think about anything that I will miss after I have a baby.

Here's what I have come up with:
1. Sleep. Obviously. Although I've always been more of a napper than a night sleeper, but I'm not planning on getting naps either.
2. Having time just for me. Sometimes, if I have an hour to kill, I will paint my nails or straighten my hair. I like to have time to wander stores aimlessly with no time restriction or purpose in mind.
3. My boobs. I am willing to sacrifice them to have a child. I'm prepared.

Honestly, that's all I can think of. That's not bad. The list of things I will be happy about after having a baby is just endless. I will not even attempt to put that one on paper. I am excited to go see my friend's baby tomorrow and just snuggle him.

Can I just get an answer please?

2008-06-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

So, I think I O'd last week, but I'm not sure. I wish that FF would give me my lines already. So, figuring that I am in the 2ww, let's just say that 2ww is a double-edged sword. It sucks because you're nervous and every little twinge or pain takes on new meaning. I find myself thinking, "Man, I'm really tired today. Why am I so tired? Well...maybe. But...nah. Couldn't be." or "What was that? Was that implantation pain? Man, I hope so. Ugh...Lynette! Most people don't feel implantation. Stop making up symptoms!" But you know what it means if most people don't feel implantation? It means that some people do. 2ww is also a good time because I can still be optimistic. I can think that, maybe, just maybe, this is our month. Although, most of you who did my poll said I would not get PG until August (you all suck, by the way). I only had one vote for this month. And I can't remember if I voted. Because if I did, it would have been for this month. Well...here's to waiting to see what tomorrow will bring. Cross your fingers that the temps will keep going up.

And there's the temp rise...

2008-06-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

So, I am pretty sure that I O'd yesterday. I had a temp dip yesterday, and then it went up today. We will see what tomorrow's temp brings, but keep your fingers crossed for us! We timed everything right, so my mind is just racing with the possibilities. On one hand, I know that I will be very disappointed if we get a BFN this cycle, but on the other hand, I feel like I am learning so much about my body and how things should work through charting. And I am still very much a charting rookie. H has even learned a lot about charting. Sometimes he peeks over my shoulder at my chart, and asks what this or that means. He's not that into it, but a little is a lot for him. All he knows is that there's a 7 to 10 day time frame when he gets lots of sex. He actually complained the other day. I was telling him how I should O soon, and I quoted an episode of Roseanne. I said, "oh, look at that. According to my calendar, you are expected to service me tonight." It was a quote, and I was totally kidding. He laughed, but later, after sex, he said that he didn't like being "expected to perform". He said he didn't like just going at it, that he liked more kissing and all. I found this hilarious. I apologized for being such a pig, and promised more foreplay next time! Originally, I had thought that TTC sex would be different than normal sex, but it's really not. At least to me. It's not like I expect him to stop mid-pump and say, "we're going to make a baby!", but I thought that it would feel a little different. H is out of town tonight and he's probably glad. He's not expected to make a contribution tonight. Ahh...a horrible attempt at humor.

Well...here goes nothing!

2008-06-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

So, I think today might be the big "O" Day. I'm not really sure though. My doc told me that I would O one week after my last Clomid pill. That would have put O on Saturday. But last month, I didn't O the day I was supposed to. I O'ed about 4 days later. So I am thinking that I might O as late as Wed. Ugh...I have no idea how women do this and don't take Clomid. At least I have a general idea about when I should O. If I didn't have that, I would be lost. I do really like that I have last months chart to look back at. It's been a great reference tool. I recommend to anyone who's even considering TTC, that you start charting. Maybe if I had done this earlier, I wouldn't have had to go through 8 months without ovulating.

While I really don't find TTC that "fun", I am trying to look on the bright side. During the 2ww, there's just that little spark of hope inside that thinks, "well...maybe this time it worked!". Even if it turns out to be wrong, its such a good feeling. As much as we've tried to keep TTC a secret, I think everyone knows. Could be paranoia, could be over-analyzing things, I don't know. I have told a few people. DH hasn't told anyone, but he sucks at keeping secrets. Really we both suck at secrets. I have always thought that I would wait until after my first trimester to tell people I was PG, but I don't know if we'll be able to hold out. I guess only time will tell.

Today marks the first day of trying to eat a little healthier. I'm not going on a diet or anything, but I would like to start making better decisions. I stocked up on fruits and other "better" things today at the store. We'll see. Wish me luck this cycle, I think we need it!

"I could leave, but I'll just stay. All my stuff's here anyways..."

2008-06-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

So after last nights "freak-out" blogging, I reread everything that I wrote. Then I went upstairs and had a long conversation with H. I think I could be an excellent trial lawyer, because I do my best arguing when I'm prepared. You know, the witnesses are prepped, I've written down my questions, and I've highlighted the major topics I would like to cover. So once I saw everything that I was feeling in front of me, I was able to know what I needed to say. If that makes any sense. So, I went up and we both apologized for the way we acted. I told him that I really didn't appreciate his snide little comment about finding a job, and he said that he was sorry, he knew that was a low blow. Then he asked me to come back upstairs and sleep in our bed. So I did. I think he finally understands though, that it's not so much about how much he's drinking, but about his lack of caring. He said that he does care, he does want a baby, he just doesn't want to get too hopeful...it could take a long time. On the subject of drinking, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot micro-manage him the way I would like to. I'm limiting myself to one comment and then moving on. So that't that.

On another note, I would like to say that TTC is not fun, and when people drop negative comments about TTC or about their kids or things like that, it's not fun. I was waiting on some people yesterday, and the mom just starts bitching to me about her daughter, who is sitting right there next to her. She tells me to never have girls, they are so emotional, and then goes into her life story about how daughters are evil, and her son is a little angel. Uh-huh. Well the daughter was already upset about something, and obviously her mother complaining about her to a total stranger was not helping the situation. I really wanted to say to the mom, "well, I've been TTC for almost a year now, with no luck, so maybe you should appreciate what you have." While I doubt that she would have complained to my boss, you never know. The other day, this girl that I work with (who is my age and has 2 kids and an "open" marriage), asked me if we were still TTC. She had overheard me say something to one of the girls I am close with at work, and she put it together. #1-If I didn't tell you, there's a reason. You just want to know so you can gossip to all your friends about my situation. #2- Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT then go on to tell me that if we need help, I can send H your way. Uh...so you want to have sex with my husband, have his baby, and just give it to us? And you think we'll be ok with that? Let's think about all the things that are wrong in that situation. I know that she was kidding, but it's ignorant little comments like that that really make my head spin. I just mumbled how I didn't think that would work out. I was so thrown that she even said anything to me, that I couldn't think of what to say. Ugh....consider the source, I guess. Some people are just stupid.

Am I speaking a language you do not understand?

2008-06-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Ugh...as I write this, I have moved out of my bedroom. I am holed up in the basement bedroom which is like going from a 5 star hotel to the Lazy T Motel down the road. H had softball tonight, and then went out with the guys for food and drinks. I picked him up later and on the way home, asked how much he drank. He said 5 1/4 beers. AH! I do not get it. Am I not speaking in English? Really though. So I got upset with him, which made him get upset with me. And any time that he's upset with me, he has to go throw some comment in about how I should get a new job. He knows that the job situtation is a sensitive topic, and he purposefully says mean-spirited things to me about it. So, while he was in the shower, I brushed my teeth, got some supplies, and headed downstairs. He came down about 20 minutes later and asked me what I was doing. He always does that; says something incredibly mean and then later acts like it didn't happen. I said I was getting ready for bed. He asked if I was sleeping down here, and I said yes. He asked why and I said because I didn't want to sleep with him. He got all mad and told me I was being ridiculous because he went out and had 5 beers. He really doesn't get it. I am not mad at you for going out and having a few. But a few is 3, not 5. Why does he have to drink 5 on a Monday anyways? If it was Friday or Saturday, I would be a little more forgiving. I am mad because he does not care enough about TTC to change his habits. He thinks that he has changed his habits and he's trying, but he's not. He did a good job on Saturday, but only because we argued all day about it. I just want him to care about this. I want him to want it as much as I want it. I just feel like he is disregarding everything that I'm saying to him...and that really concerns me for our future. If something is important to me, it should be important to him. He sees how much pain and disappointment I go through every month that goes by that I'm not PG. He sees my little smile when I'm in the 2ww and he asks me, and I say there's a possibility. I would just think that he would want to do what he can to make me happy. After I get PG, if he wants to go drink himself stupid all the time, fine-we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I really don't want to sleep down here tonight, but I have not made my decision yet.

"So wait...by saying 'pick a night' you meant one night to drink? I thought you were saying one night NOT to drink..."

2008-06-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

So, needless to say, H did not respect our conversation that we had the other day about him drinking. Last night, a friend came over with a 6-pack of a new beer. I was fine with him having 3. Then we went out, and shockingly, he got water. Then we came home, where he preceded to have another beer. And then another, which was only 3/4 full because the keg ran out. So this morning as we're laying in bed, it gets brought up and I tell him that he doesn't seem to care about TTC. Basically, this turns into an ENTIRE day of arguing back and forth. Never really "getting into it", we don't do that. Sometimes, I think I would like to, but he's just not that type. Just going about our normal business and dropping comments every now and then about the situation. Very passive-aggressive. I'm sure that's healthy. So it comes down to me telling him that I think he is being selfish and mean and uncaring. He disagrees, but I think he's starting to see my point. He asks me how much he can drink tonight, and starts suggesting how if he has X beers after a certain time, then he'll be ok and blah, blah, blah. I told him that I am not going to babysit him. I am not his mother. He can make his own decisions and deal with the consequences. I tell him that he has no idea how lucky he has been since we've been together. I do not try to control his drinking, I never have. I come pick him up all the time and I don't complain about it, I stay sober so that we have a DD, all the time. Ugh...so tonight we went to a friends house for dinner, and he had one drink and one glass of wine. While drinking his first drink, he leans over to me and says, "Look, I'm really nursing this one..." Who ever knew I would be this lucky?

Today, we went and stole the dog of the friends who just had a baby. The baby is a week and a half old and he is adorable. He is soooooo small. He wasn't a pre-mie, but he's just little. So after we returned their dog, she asked me if I wanted to hold him. I did, but I was all dirty from taking the dogs to the park, and had to say no. Ughhh....it killed me! I just wanted to snuggle him and think that maybe someday... But I was happy just to see him. During this trip, H admits that newborns are intimidating to him. I find that so endearing that it's disgusting. I've heard that a woman becomes a mom the moment she finds out she's pregnant, but a man becomes a dad when he holds his child. I totally buy that. Although, I think that H might be more comfortable with the baby in my womb, protected from evil. Just think of the baby as in a little happy bubble in there. Protected with lots of insulation and bubble wrap, I'm sure. I think that's the mentality we may be headed towards. But once it's out, and he might have to hold it or even move it across the room, sheer pandemonium, I'm sure. He'll come around. H was really cute asking all sorts of questions about breast-feeding and sleeping schedules and who gets up for what and things like that. I think it's adorable when he takes an active interest in TTC. These friends know (well, she does, so I think he does) that we are trying, and she knows about all my struggles. We were actually both hoping last summer to get PG at the same time, and wondering who would be first and all. It's crazy to think that was a year ago and now they have a little baby. Not crazy, but surreal, I guess.

Last Clomid pill today. I am thinking of creating a sex schedule so H knows when his services are needed. Ha....not really. Well, I'm not going to do it, that doesn't mean the thought has not crossed my mind.

Nothing to do but wait, wait, wait....

2008-06-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

So today is Day 4 of Clomid. Yay, only one more day of that. I woke up Wed. morning and didn't feel the greatest, but thought no big deal. I went to work and everything went downhill from there. If you feel nauseauted, DO NOT, under any circumstances, enter a restaurant kitchen that is roughly 100-120 degress, and smells like grease and eggs. I was just lucky I hadn't eaten anything yet. Luckily, someone switched with me, so I got to leave around 3. Then I went home and crashed. H was such a nice guy. He went and worked out and then came back and took the dog for a walk. Then he made dinner and did the dishes. It was nice to just lay on the couch. Too bad my stomach felt like it was in my throat for the majority of the night.

Feeling like that really makes me nervous about morning sickness. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, not feel like I'm going to toss my cookies at any moment. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to worry about that milestone when I come to it. Not being PG yet, I'm not going to worry about it. While I was laying in bed last night, I was thinking about how long it takes some people to get PG. Just from talking to women on thenest.com, I know that sometimes it takes a really long time, even without any fertility problems. I just wonder, will that be me? Will I hit the one year mark? The year and a half? I think about some of my friends that aren't TTC. What if they get PG before me? I would be happy for them, but I would be jealous inside. I tend to be that way, and it's not one of my most favorable personality traits. I know people who have had unplanned pregnancies, and it just seems unfair. Granted, everyone I know in this situation has had everything turn out well, and they are all great parents. I just wonder why sometimes things happen to people that don't want it, while people who want it so badly are left empty-handed. Is it fate? Is it something telling me that I just have to be patient? Do these people need to have a life change more than me? I don't know...

I don't doubt that I will get PG. Hopefully in 2008, but we can't count on that. Even though going through all this SUCKS and is something I would never, ever wish upon anyone, I'm almost grateful that it's happening like this. I complain about it a lot and all, but I think that trying so hard and having to wait for this long will make me love my future baby that much more. Because they were wanted. I have waited a long time for this baby to show up, and I think it will happen when it's supposed to. But I still don't like waiting!

Tonight is Friday, and I have to work. I have to bartend on our outside deck at work. I really don't want to, but it's a little exciting to be doing something new. To be outside. Although, it's really starting to get dark out there. Side note, I love how my dog has been merrily chewing on his bone over by the couch for 30 minutes, yet the two times that he has had to fart, he comes and sits right underneath my chair. That's just good sharing. Anyways, H said that he will come sit outside with me tonight and keep my company while I work. "Keep me company" is his way of saying he'll bring some friends and drink beer. Yeah...we'll just see about that mister.

"Don't you want your little guys to be swimmers?"

2008-06-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, last night I was talking to H about how much he drinks on the weekends. He'll have a few beers here and there throughout the week, no big deal. But the weekend hits, and he's out Friday and Saturday nights going where ever there's beer. So I've mentioned to him a few times in the past that alcohol can affect male fertility, to which he has responded that that's not true, and that "his boys" are just fine. He tries this approach last night, and I tell him that he is not a doctor, he does not know that-he's making it up. So he tells me to find something online that tells why alcohol is harmful to male fertility. I ask him how many sites he wants, because I can find as many as it takes. He says 2, so I look up 4. Long story short, he reads all the sites, which talk about how alcohol can not only harmful to male fertility, but pretty much detrimental, and he says that it doesn't apply to him because he doesn't drink that much on average. And I look at the sites, and nowhere does it average anything. It says that 4 oz. of alcohol is enough to harm male fertility. That's roughly 8 bottles of beer. He EASILY drinks that on any given Friday/Saturday night. So I ask him if he's going to change his habits or continue. He says that he really doesn't drink that much, so he doesn't see anything to change. As much as I wanted to choke him, I kept my cool and very calmly (ok...maybe not VERY calmly) told him that he wasn't being fair. I am doing everything that I am supposed to be doing. I am going above and beyond the norm. I am taking my meds, I am communicating with the doc, I am not drinking, trying to start avoiding smokey places, taking vitamins, etc, etc, etc. And he is doing nothing. And he might be the one sabotaging any possible pregnancy, just for a couple nights of "fun". I am anxious to see what happens this weekend. I think he will continue with his old habits, but we'll just have to wait and see. I don't expect him to quit drinking. I know that that is something he likes to do. Whatever. I think it's a waste of money, but if that's his thing, ok. But I think it would be nice if he would think about us for a change. What's best for us instead of what's best for him.

If these are cramps, what the hell are contractions going to be like?

2008-06-02T07:49:00.001-07:00

So, I read somewhere that periods can be especially bitchy after taking Clomid. I believe it. My cramps are so bad I have already taken 4 Midol (it's 10:30) today and I still really don't feel any better. Thankfully, these horrible cramps will dull after today and then there will be only a moderate aching all over my body. I called the doc for more Clomid today. I am feeling pretty good about this next cycle. I try not to get too excited or happy about what may come, but it's hard. I want it so bad! I was telling H last night that I think this could be the month. We would find out right before our 2 year anniversary. Perfect! But we'll see.

I am thinking about our friends who recently had a baby, and everything looks so perfect in my head. I can just see him crying, and them getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and everything is all sugar-coated and happy. I know that's not the real world, but that's how I'm picturing it. I just can't wait to see those two pink lines on the test. I haven't decided yet how I will tell H. I kind of want to buy him a cute little onesie or something and just give it to him and let him figure it out, but I kind of want to tell him right away. We'll see what happens.

So, because I am not pregnant yet, I have decided to list my 10 biggest fears/concerns about being PG/giving birth. I am a list person, and I think it will be funny to look back at this when I'm 8 months PG. Here they are (in no particular order):

1. Peeing and possibly pooping while giving birth. I know it's no big deal and the docs are used to it, but gross.
2. Having a hard delivery and not being able to take care of the baby on my own at first. H is great, but I don't know if he'd be ready to do it all on his own.
3. Having to change my diet because of morning sickness or breastfeeding. I can't imagine the day when Oreo's do not fix the world, and I can't have the things I love.
4. Going into labor. I just worry about where I'll be and if I'll be ready to go and what if H is out of town or something?
5. People touching me. Just because I have a child inside of me will not give anyone the right to invade my personal space and touch me. I don't like being touched that much, especially by strangers, and I will likely bite people's heads off for touching me.
6. On that note, becoming more hormonal than I already am.
7. Giving birth to multiples. While I think it would be fun to have twins, I don't think it would be fun to carry them and give birth to them. One is enough, thanks.
8. Being put on bed rest. I can not imagine what this house would look like if I couldn't do anything around it. H might try at first, but then he would think, "Oh, she can't get out of bed anyways, I'll just leave these dishes until tomorrow." I really need to learn to let things go.
9. If there was anything wrong with the baby.
10. Not having things that I need after getting home with the baby. I could not imagine sending H out for nursing pads or something like that. He might never come back. That would be worse than sending him out for tampons (which I would never do). I know that I will be that person with 12 checklists of things I need for the baby and I'll have the nursery ready when I'm 4 months PG, and then I'll rearrange it when I'm 5 months, and then put it all back at 6 months, and wash all the clothes seventeen times, and change the bedding before the baby is born. I am that OCD. You all know it.

Some of these fears are serious and justifiable. Others are just silly and I'm sure (sort of) that they will diminish after I get PG and move along in my pregnancy.

This morning, as I was pressure washing my deck to get the paint off (yeah, I know...who paints a deck?) I decided that the first people to know I'm PG, besides H and you guys, will be the neighbors. They will no longer be awakened at 8 in the morning to the sound of the pressure washer or lulled to sleep by the rhythmic sounds of my lawnmower. When the neighborhood gets quiet, I'm knocked up!

Operation: Babywatch

2008-06-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

After reading several other blogs that chronicled trying to conceive, getting pregnant, and even labor and delivery, I have decided to start my own blog. For several reasons, I think this will help my journey. Reason #1- It will help keep all my friends informed as to what's happening in my life. Since I have about 3 friends that know we are TTC, I'm sure this is necessary. Reason #2- I think writing is a very cathartic experience. I always kept journals when I was younger, and it really helps me to get my feelings "out there". Sometimes you just need to vent, and while I think I have a great husband, I think he gets tired of me complaining about the same old thing sometimes. Reason #3- As much as this is not a great time in my life because it's difficult, I would like to be able to look back on it and think "that was not nearly as big of a deal as I made it". It's funny how much people (myself included) live "in the moment", and freak out about things that turn out to be speed bumps.

So here's some background on me and TTC: H and I were married almost 2 years ago. I have always wanted children right away, but our situation wasn't the best for kids yet. We waited. H wasn't ready so we waited. I was ready so I pushed, but we waited. Finally, about this time last year, I had had enough of waiting. I told H that I was done with BCP. I had been on Depo for 4 years prior, but because of health concerns with that, I switched to the pill about Feb. 2006. I hated it. I was sick to my stomach for almost 3 months, finally discovering the miracle of taking BCP on a full stomach (life saver). I was never a great pill taker, I was frequently forgetting them, and having to take two at a time to make up for it. I think it was just so easy to forget because it was not a priority to me. Fast forward a year. February of 2007. I am now done with school, and things are going well. And then, my period is late. A day, two days, a week. I told DH, and it was ok. It wasn't something we were exactly "prepared" for, but we were ready. At this point, I don't know what to do. Do I start a new pack of pills? Do I not? Will it hurt the baby if I am PG? I look online. It says to stop, so I stop taking the BCP. I call the doctor a week later. They tell me to keep taking the pills, that it will not hurt the baby this early on. So I start back up on the pills after going 1 week with no placebo pills and 1 week with no real pills. Then I start my period. DAMN IT! Now what? So I am not PG. Well after that, my period got royally f-ed up. I would not have it, I would have it for one day, I would have it for two days in the middle of my pill pack. It could happen at any moment. UGH. So I decide that in June of 2007, I am going to be done with BCP. I want my body to regulate itself and get back on track naturally. H and I have decided that we will start trying in Spring of 2008, so that seems like more than enough time to have everything back to normal. How wrong I was.

So, I stopped BCP in July of 2007. When September came and I hadn't had a period yet, I called the doctor. They said that it was normal after coming off BCP, and I should wait until I hadn't had my period for 4 months total and then they would do something about it. I should have called around and gotten a 2nd opinion right then. Four months? Are you kidding me? So I waited. In November of 2007, I saw the doc and she prescribed me Prometrium, which would "jump-start" my period. It would force me to have a period and then, hopefully, my body would realize that "oh hey...yeah, I'm supposed to do this once a month." Since I had NEVER had regular periods and we weren't actively TTC, the doc was not all that concerned. Well, it worked and I had a period. But just one.

Fast forward another four months and we come to February of 2008. How time flies. Still no normal periods, and I go to see the doctor again. She gives me another Rx for Prometrium, and after a lengthy, not pleasant conversation about my "options", which include either going to see an OB/GYN who may or may not be able to find my problem, or just heading straight to the infertility clinic for help (what a horrible feeling), I decide to give the OB/GYN a try. I make an appointment for the next month and start the Prometrium.

Seeing the OB/GYN was not a unpleasant experience, but the guy I saw was an ass. I will not see him again. He made me feel like I was unintelligent, and it was all my fault that I wasn't having periods. He knew exactly why I wasn't getting periods, but he couldn't be bothered to explain it to me. He gave me my first Rx for Clomid, which he told me should make my body ovulate. Ok...sounds good. Long story short, I take the Clomid, have sex when I'm supposed to, and then go to get my blood checked two weeks later.

The OB/GYN calls a few days later. I ovulated! Yay! But am I PG? He doesn't know. I don't know. I took a test and it said no, but I could have tested too early. He tells me over the phone that when I finish my period we will discuss my options. Um, what period, doc? I haven't started my period. Apparently, I should have started it almost a week before, and the fact that I didn't, and got a negative pregnancy test, well, he finds this "puzzling" Puzzling? You find it f-ing puzzling, doc? Not cool. Don't tell me that. You may be puzzled and confused about my f-ed up cycles, but don't tell me that! So he tells me to wait a week, test again, and then call back. Great. More waiting. Thankfully, I got my period a few days later. I called and he prescribed me another round of Clomid.

So I start another round of Clomid, and cross my fingers that this is "our" month. I begin spending every waking moment on thenest.com, chatting on the "Babies on the Brain" board. I like it there. These women have helpful advice, and many of them have been where I am. It's helpful to have support like that. I start every day by taking my temperature and recording it at fertilityfriend.com. Finally, I get to the point where I should ovulate. Then I wait. FF changes my ovulation date after a week, which totally f-s up everything. I take a test at 13 or 9 dpo, depending on if I trust FF. It's negative, so I decide that FF is right, and I should wait to test until 6/2 or 6/3. Doesn't matter because I wake up on 6/1, and I know that AF will show up sometime today. The cramps are horrible, and I just want to lay in bed. Sure enough, she shows up later that day. Not PG. I guess I'll go call the doc for more Clomid.