Month 4 = FAIL.

So, when the pain woke me up yesterday morning and my temp dropped again, I figured that AF would show up later that day. And sure enough, she did. I can't figure out if the cramps are really that much worse than last month, or if it's all in my head. Every time AF shows, I can't help but thinking how I want to stop Clomid because it makes my cramps so bad. I went to the store last night, and I couldn't even grocery shop because they were that bad. I had to keep gripping the cart and breathing like I was in f-ing labor. Seriously. Midol is my friend. My BFF at this very moment. And tequila was my friend last night. Oh, tequila, how I love you so. Ha.

WTF body?

So, after I barely succeded in making that last post, I nearly crawled to my bed and laid down. I could not sleep, but now I'm fine. So so strange. A couple Midol's and an hour later, and my horrifying cramps are now gone. 100% gone. I do not understand. Midol usually helps to dull the pain, but never eliminates it entirely. Sigh. I guess I'll go attempt yard work while my body decides what it's doing. AF hasn't officially arrived yet, so we'll just wait.

We're going to need some more Midol over here. Can we get that in IV form?

Ah, skip it. Let's just go straight to the Morphine drip. PLEASE. Even as I write this, the pain is ripping through my abdomen like a thousand knives. Nothing down there feels right at this very moment. Inhaling hurts. And, oh! Yes, exhaling hurts too. AF, you are a cruel bitch mother. I shake my fist at you! I'm glad I haven't eaten yet, because I'm fairly certain that cramping like this would make me vomit. Alright, I'm off to curl up in a ball and more than likely, cry myself back to sleep, though I don't know whether it will be from the pain or the disappointment.

...And I Wonder.

Why?

Tested again today. Another BFN. As much as I like living in this delusion, thinking that there's a small chance of being PG, I really just want to get the show on the road. I'm really just waiting to see what happens- I have no real expectations of what's coming.

If I am PG, awesome. I just wish my body would let me in on the secret. I want to know. ASAP. I do not want to waste one minute of the happiness that a BFP would provide me. I want it. And I want it now. You all know me and patience. Just not happening.

If I'm not PG, ok. I'll deal. Just let AF come, so I can wallow in self-pity and pain for 2 days, and then get right back on track to try again. If I am not PG though, I think it is incredibly cruel of my body to put me through this.

I keep thinking, "Geez, I'm 13 dpo. That's promising, right?". And then I realize that no, it's really not promising. I'm not 13 days late for my period or anything, I am actually only 1 day late. And that's not a for sure figure. I will probably test again in the morning. We'll see though. I think my heart can handle it, but it may have to wait a little longer.

Oh, what the hell am I saying? You all know I'm going to test in the morning if the temps look ok.

Oops, I Did it Again....

So, I tested last night. I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to hold out. BFN. I actually felt better after I did it though. At least I know. I'm preparing myself for AF and another month of disappointment. Then when I got up this morning, I decided to try again. Another BFN. I could have done without that, but I did it to myself. My temp went down this morning too. Boo. Not a lot, but just that it went down says enough to me. More than likely, AF will show up tonight, right around the time I get to work. She is a crazy bitch like that. I guess I'll just keep testing until she gets here though. Peeing on stuff is a hard habit to let go of.